September 2, 2008

One Of These Mornings

One of these mornings
One of these mornings
It won't be very long
They will look for me
and I'll be gone

One of these mornings
It won't be very long
They will look for me
and I'll be gone

One of these mornings
It won't be very long
They will look for me
and I'll be gone

One of these mornings
It won't be very long
They will look for me
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone

One of these mornings
It won't be very long
They will look for me
and I'll be gone

One of these mornings
It won't be very long
They will look for me
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone

I'll be gone
and I'll be gone
I'll be gone
and I'll be gone

--Moby (feat. Patti LaBelle) (2005)
(There was a slightly shorter different version of this song that came out in 2002 though.)




September 2, 2008

I Suppose Someday Someone Will Wonder...

...whatever happened to me.
And I guess this is my goodbye note. The only one I will leave anywhere. (I wrote most of this in late July. But worked on this from late July to late August.)
I can tell you some things about my life to help you understand. (I hope you'll forgive me if I sound bitter or pissed off or just too negative at some points. Like anyone, I get upset sometimes and may express something more strongly than I intended.)
My family was always very small. And generally not very fond of one another. Everyone I know of in my family has had problems with depression. No one in my family has been very social. They've all had just a few or no friends at all. Some have had other minor to serious mental ailments as well. Basically, I'm genetically mentally screwed from the start.
My mother married my father to get out of the house, away from her mother (who had several mental problems). My parents divorced when I was 9. I didn't love them after that. Not because of the divorce. I understood they argued and fought and couldn't get along anymore. It's just...my mother, who I stayed with 'cause she got the house, was always moody. Especially after the divorce! After the divorce, she was usually negative, usually irritable. She talked down to me. A lot! More and more. So much that I developed a major depression. (I cut my wrists a couple of times. Wasn't intending to commit suicide. Just wanted to see if it were possible, how deep I could go. I got down to the veins. They looked black. I got deep enough that I thought I could do it if I really wanted.) She finally sent me to therapy which helped me out a lot. I also couldn't trust her with anything. Anything I told her that was supposed to be just between us she'd go around telling everybody. So, at some early point, maybe 10 or 11, maybe my early teens, I decided I wasn't going to tell her stuff anymore. I basically wasn't going to talk to her anymore. Through my teens we didn't get along. I didn't talk to her. She didn't understand me at all. She frequently made comments about how when I turned 18 she just wanted me gone. She hardly ever bought me stuff all through my childhood. (For example, we had a black and white TV, no cable and no VCR 'til my late teens. No TV games. No computer. In my early teens, she finally gave me a weekly allowance. 5 dollars a week. In my late teens it got up to $8. And that was for weekly chores. Stuff like taking out the trash, washing the dishes, mowing the lawn with a push mower, sweeping the backyard, helping with gardening. I'm sure there was more. I don't remember all of it.) After I was 17 or 18, there wasn't any more weekly allowance But she said as long as I was living in her house, I was expected to keep up my chores. She spent lots of money on herself though! (She wasn't poor. I sure was though.) Our relationship now is...she writes a couple times a year. The only reason I stayed in contact with her at all is because she sends me money twice a year, on my birthday and at Christmas. (Usually $100.) I think she knows that's the only reason I still write to her at all. I won't talk to her on the phone. (I don't want to hear her voice again. I don't want all those bad things she used to say to me coming back in my head.) I haven't seen her since 1996 when I left for Denmark. And I don't think I ever want to see her again.
My father died in the early 90's. 1992, I believe it was. Cancer. I didn't care. We weren't close. My decision. To me he was just some old man I felt I had nothing in common with. He was around 20 years older than my mother. After the divorce he had changed quite a lot. Always depressed. Rarely smiled or laughed anymore. No fun to be around. He tried. He did his best. I know that. I didn't get the feeling he really loved me though. I was his son, that's all, but I didn't feel he loved me in particular.
I have a brother I haven't talked to since 1994 or so. I wrote him a few times in the early 90's, but he never answered. When I saw him and asked about it, he just said he didn't like writing. Mostly we got along fine. But there were a few years, the early years, that I hated him and I guess I was the big mean older brother. I think I prob'ly did some stuff he never forgave me for and that's why we don't talk anymore. I don't even have his address or phone number. He's married now. Been married for several years. Lives on the east coast in U.S.A. No kids that I know of. He's 9 years younger than I am but from the last picture I saw of him, his wedding picture that my mother sent me, he looks at least 9 years older than me. Ha ha ha.:P
And that's it, my whole family. Like I said, it's always been small. Just a mother and brother left besides me. Almost all died out now.
I was a virgin 'til I was 23 years old. That alone is enough to make anyone wanna kill themselves. Ha ha. In June I turned 42 years old. I was born June 7, 1966. I was married once. To a girl in Denmark. I still live in the same small town here. In the very beginning, we thought it was love but...I guess we were both lonely and just hoping so much we finally found it. She married me only as a friend, as a favor, so I could stay in the country. We got married in plain clothes, in a big city building. The only people there were her, me, a priest and just a city employee as a witness. We didn't exchange rings (apparently, you can do that in Denmark although I've never heard of it being done here or anywhere else). We never wore rings. And the only person she told during the first few months was her mother. We broke up a few months after I got my permanent permission to stay in the country. (In Denmark, you have to reapply and reapply and reapply, for years, to stay in the country until they finally give you permission. Marriage itself is no guarantee, only a help. There are stories in the news all the time here about married couples, with children even, who can't stay together in Denmark and have to leave if they want to be together. The rules are extreme here and have only gotten more extreme since I've been here. When I first came, it took at least 3 years to get permanent permission to stay. Now it takes more years. I don't know exactly how many anymore. And like I said, marriage is only helpful but no kind of guarantee at all. It depends more on what country you come from and what financial support you have. Denmark is one of the most difficult countries in the world to get permission to stay in. And even lots of potential turists simply don't come because it's so much trouble and takes so much time, usually months, just to get permission to visit the country. I think how much trouble you have getting in depends on what country you come from though.) I never told my mother I got married 'til after the divorce. It wasn't a real marriage. It was just to get a piece of paper. I didn't see any point in telling her. But, after the decision to break up, my mother was asking questions about our relationship and how I could stay in the country, that kind of stuff.
I have problems with anxiety, more specifically social anxiety. It's bad. Like almost worst case scenario. Mostly, I like being alone. I've had friends before. I don't feel the need for friends. I'm not against it, I'm just not looking for friends. I just want a girlfriend. Children too. That'd be plenty for me. The years in my life I've actually had a girlfriend to be with is only somewhere between 5 years at the least, and 8 years at the most Out of my whole life!!! Most of my junior high and high school days I didn't have any friends. And never a girlfriend. I would've had the courage to ask a girl out but...I didn't have a car or any money. I spent most of my pauses drawing or writing. Sometimes reading. I've had some college. Never finished though. Art and English teachers were always very very impressed with my work. My anxiety problems have gotten worse as I've gotten older. In junior high I started ditching classes. In college I ditched the most. Still pretty much always got A's in English and Art though. Those were also the classes I ditched the least. I've had this phobia thing all my life, as far back as I can remember. But only 4-5 years ago I finally figured out what was wrong with me, that it actually had a name and a lot of other people have it too. Before that I didn't even know how to explain it to anyone. I didn't think anyone would understand. I started drinking 5-6 years ago because I found out it helped me feel more comfortable around people. It started very slowly, only on rare occasions, and built up little by little 'til now...where I don't go outside anymore without having had at least 5 shots of vodka and a Valium (that'd be what I'd take, for example, before work). Preferably and normally I drink half a bottle of vodka and take 2 Valiums before I go out. Sometimes more. Some days I drink a bottle of vodka and take several Valiums. I've built up a tolerance to vodka so it doesn't do much alone anymore. I take Valium now too the last couple months or more, between 2-4 (usually) up to five or six 10mg pills a day. The Valium on it's own doesn't really do anything for me either but with vodka...it works.:) The last couple of places I've worked, I drank every day at work. I never used to drink at home alone. I mean...maybe a couple times a year. Now, for the last several weeks, I do everyday. Almost. (Have to have it around to drink it.;) All of August I drank everyday anyway.
The times I've had a girlfriend, I like to and want to go out more but...now, living alone and without even a car, with no friends, I only go out if I have to.
I've avoided work at least half or maybe even most of my adult life because of my social phobia. I've had more jobs than I can remember though. I almost always quit 'cause I couldn't handle the social stuff anymore. (I've also quit a few jobs because it was sweaty heavy lifting minimum wage kind of work. I hate that sh*t!!! And I'm not gonna ruin my back over some silly a** job!)
Like I said, I've had some college and I didn't finish. Now, this gets into some of why I left U.S.A. My original plan was to get into graphic arts. Probably advertising, later I was thinking maybe ad text writing if possible. About 2/3 through my education, I started having real doubts all that school work for a piece of paper that showed I graduated would get me a job. So, I started seriously looking at job opportunities for that field and what employers want and expect. First of all, they don't hire people fresh out of college!! Plus they demand lots of computer skills and experience. The small college I went to couldn't afford lots of computers and weren't teaching us anything about the computer programs we would need to know how to use to get work. Later on, I found out most of the time, for any job, you can lie about having been to college (they don't check) because all employers want to know is how many years of actual professional job experience you have. And the minimum for the field I wanted to get into at the time was at least 5-10 years actual job experience. They, of course, expected lots of professional samples to look at and they expected professional references. I didn't see the point anymore about getting that piece of paper that says I graduated college. In fact, I found out getting any kind of work is difficult. When I finally looked for my first job, I had my sights set fairly high. After months and months of looking, my expectations got lower and lower. At least half, probably more, places offering work around L.A. had 100-200 people a day coming in to fill out applications. That was for the no experience required minimum wage or near minimum wage kind of stuff. I've occasionally seen lines stretching blocks long. I found out in the real world, the people that get the good jobs are the best liars and bullshitters that come in. Seriously! I've talked to several people who had decent jobs and asked how they got that job. They all told me they totally lied their asses off about all kinds of crazy sh*t. That's how they got the job!! Of course, the best way is if a family member or friend can get you in somewhere. I didn't know anybody who could get me in anywhere. And my first job...was as a part-time cook in a small sandwich shop at minimum wage.
I've been on welfare many many years of my adult life. I've been on welfare the last 5 years straight. In Denmark it's not so bad! The system is totally different here. With the extra benefits I get, it pays about the same as minimum wage here which is what I'd be getting if I was working anyway. I get over $1800 a month and that's after taxes! (Which is the most money I've ever gotten in my life!!! The least was the years in U.S.A. I was on welfare, which at the time paid about $150 in cash and $150 in food stamps. Per month! That's it. That was around late 1980's, early 1990's. I did a lot of shoplifting back then. Been kicked out of a few stores. I was in jail a couple times for stealing stuff. No matter how good you think you are at it, at some point you get too relaxed and sloppy. No matter how much you get away with, if you keep doing it you WILL get caught. I know that from experience.) I don't know exactly but minimum wage in Denmark before taxes is somewhere around $19 an hour. And the normal work week is 37 hours a week. Taxes in Denmark is about 40%. (But something like the first $500 per month you earn is tax free.) Plus there is a tax of 25% on everything you buy. Always already included in the price, so the price you see is the price you pay. And Denmark has the highest food prices in the world. And only the last year or two, Sweden edged over Denmark in taxes. The taxes here pay for some good things though, like...free medical care, everyone has their own doctor, no free dental though (dammit!!), free education. Even higher education is free. And Denmark has a great welfare system!
I've been on welfare the last 5 years straight. If I really wanted a regular job, the government here can find me one easily enough but...I don't want a real job. I don't want to work. Not only because of my social phobia but it also means a lot more hours and responsibility for the same money I already get! (I might maybe be able to get $50-$100 more a month from working but that's it.) I get sent different places to work. For weeks or months at a time. The hours and days vary. Generally, the rule is 30 hours a week but...the last couple of years not so much. I started calling in sick a lot. Then I talked myself down to fewer days a week because of my social problems. This last year the system has been real easy on me since I had a breakdown at one place I was sent to. I hated it there! Hot heavy sweaty dirty physical work. During the summer too. I was there 3 days a week and then they wanted to put me up to 5 days a week. My reaction...no f***ing way!!! I had a breakdown. I said I couldn't even handle 3 days a week anymore. The breakdown was planned, rehearsed, half staged, mostly serious. I told a couple of lies to make sure I got out of there. Ha ha, I got out of there and I was so happy!!! Then they sent me to a second social phobia course thing. I've been to two social phobia courses now, one group therapy thing here in town. Helped the others. Didn't help me much. And another thing in another town. Didn't help me much at all either. I've tried a few different medications doctors have prescribed. Those didn't help.
Ane now, suddenly, they wanna send me somewhere new starting at 5 days a week. I haven't actually been assigned 5 days a week in around 2 years now. It's been real real close a couple times but hasn't actually happened. And my attitude is, like, eat my shorts! I won't do it. I refuse. It's just way way too much for me! I told my case worker, you know I can't handle that! She said that was for my doctor to decide and she told me my doctor thinks I can do it. (RIght, I've been totally obviously drunk or high the last several months either one of 'em has seen me. They know I drink. They know I take pills. I used to be very aware and careful of hiding that I'd been drinking. The last several months, I just plain don't give a sh*t who knows anymore.)
I could do stuff, like...go back to calling in sick a lot, drink and take so many pills I pass out and just generally screw up at work, stage some breakdowns but...it's not even worth it. I'm just gonna refuse to go.
I'm in the middle of summer vacation now. (Late July.) It lasts 3 weeks. I don't have to do a thing, no meetings, no work, nothing. I haven't done anything wrong yet. I'll get all my money for August. But...next month, August, all hell will break loose. I might very well loose my welfare or at the very least get cut back so much I can't pay all my bills the following month. And I don't care anymore. Because I don't want to live anymore anyway.
I've never believed in a 5 day work week. Go through all that hell for what?! That's not life. That's not living. I'd much rather be dead than work 5 days a week. That's what I've always thought.
I hate jobs. I hate working. But career wise, there are a few things I like doing, that I wish I could have a career doing. I like writing. I've written a bunch of short stories. I wrote a book once. Started a second one. And I've written hundreds of songs. (Lyrics. I can't write music.) If I could somehow turn that into a career, that'd be awesome.:) I was very very serious about painting for several years. Hard to describe what they look like. Unusual. Nothing like you've ever seen before. Abstract. Some visual images I can give you to help you out...Picasso, Van Gogh, Salvador Dali, computer games/graphics, science fiction alien art or sort of other worldly cartoons, lots of geometric shapes, lots of contrast, very colorful, some are simple designs, most are very detailed, I use some flourescent colors in nearly every painting. I like playing with combining 3D effects with flat objects. Generally, I think of most of my stuff as pictures from other planets or other dimensions.
And I like photography. The thing is...so many millions and millions of people like doing those things I've mentioned. I always got compliments from teachers, friends, etc. Everyone who saw my my work was always impressed. I ALWAYS got positive compliments from anyone who saw it. I really did try but I never could get anyone important to even take one look at my stuff. Not one person! For example, I went to art galleries all over L.A. As well as many paintings I brought with me, I even had photos of my best paintings just to make it real quick and easy to look through so someone could get an idea of what I could do, all the original designs and things I did. But there are just way way too many idiots out there that think they have talent that the ones in charge of looking at new talent just don't want to be bothered with it anymore. Although, I knew my stuff was cool and very original and definitely not crap, I couldn't get anyone to even take one freakin' minute to look at my stuff.:S I thought people in the art world were supposed to be open minded and interested and excited about seeing something new. I was quite shocked and offended and totally heartbroken no one could take 1 minute to even take a single look at what I had. (I guess, in honesty, that's a bit of a reflection on my poor social skills as well.) By my late 20's I gave up painting, writing and photography. I figured why spend all that time and work on all that stuff no one will ever see. I could sit and do nothing and no one would know the difference. It's certainly a lot easier!!
I know it's a contradiction that I wanna get naked and do porn but...I think it would really be good for me!:) I think it would help me out!!:D And at the moment...that's about the best dream career I can think of.:) (I'd really rather do straight porn but I think chances are much higher that if I did get a shot at doing porn, it'd be gay porn. It would be sooo nice to feel pretty and be fucked and orgasmed in and get cum all over me! And if you read my blogs, you know I'm willing. I'd do it for free but, hey, if someone's makin' money off it then I want and deserve some of that too.)
The one other thing I can think of I'm really interested in is being a DJ. I looove music!!! If I had the equipment, I'd looove to experiment with that!:) I've been working on my own compilations and collections since I was a teen. I spend a lOt of time on music! Mostly trance and ambient. Mostly stuff only other truly dedicated trance freaks and DJ's would know of. I've never met anyone who's even heard of most of the stuff I listen to the last 15 years or so. I think it would be extremely exciting to play all kinds of new music to people who've never heard music like that before. Even after giving up painting, writing and photography, I still kept working on my music. I need something creative to do. And at least that I could use for my workouts, biking, walking, driving, doing the dishes, or whatever.
I've also from time to time thought I'd really like to try acting. That'd be fun, pretend to be someone else and your lines are all givin' to you. You don't have to think about what to say or do, you just act it out! I'd like to try that.
I had an orgasm in a woman....once in the last 10 years. Once! Wasn't even my ex. Some weird threesome thing with an older couple I never told anyone about before and decided I didn't like. I think the guy was bisexual but I wasn't interested in doing anything with guys back then. He wanted to watch me fuck his wife. Then he ate her out. The woman was just...well, old and gross and completely unattractive. Didn't even shave her legs. Just...yuck!! But I was desperate at the time, horny, hadn't had sex in years.
I met my ex about 3 or 4 years after I broke up with the girl I came to Denmark for. My last girlfriend came from Belarus to be with me. It lasted 2 years. That's the only relationship I've had in the last 9 years. We broke up about 4 years ago. She was a very very beautiful girl but...she wasn't affectionate and that's extremely important to me. That's why we broke up. She wasn't a very sexual person either. I had my dick in her a few times, that's it. I never came in her. I hated condoms and she didn't want to be on birth control. She was convinced it would mess with her hormones in a bad way or something. Of course, right after we broke up, she told me about how she was on birth control, liked it, and was dating lots of guys she met over the internet. A couple other little things...she never let me lick her pussy. Never!! And, believe me, I wanted to! She was so beautiful, the most beautiful girl I'd ever been with! I tried!!! Every way possible!!!! She never gave me oral sex either. And...she never masturbated. Ever. In her whole life! Or so she told me. She never let me cum on her face either
So, in the last 10 years, I've come once in a woman. (Happened through an ad in a newspaper before I got my computer.) Some old unattractive woman with leathered wrinkled skin. Barf! And I consider myself a very sexual person. Sex means a lot to me. Finally, I got a computer and I've been on the internet for about 4 years now, sooo many dating profiles all over the net I've forgotten how many. In all that time I've had one date. One! In early 2005. And I've written with just a very few girls here and there (here in Denmark and in other countries) over the last 4 years. Briefly. Until they find a new boyfriend. For girls it takes, like, a couple weeks at most. (The internet works out amazingly great for girls! A girl can put up one profile, barely write anything and get over a hundred responses a day. Me...I've put up dozens of profiles, have a whole website and get a few responses a year. And, yes, of course, I've tried writing to girls. Out of 50 or 100 tries, maybe, just maybe, one will write back. And I know it's 'cause girls get tons and tons of mail and just don't have time to write. And then within days or a couple weeks or a couple months at the very very most, she has a new boyfriend and it's all over. And, yeah, to be honest, there were a few girls I stopped writing to 'cause I didn't feel a connection or whatever you wanna call it.) That's it. That's all. I've had a computer 4 years and I don't have any internet friends. I usually don't. I'm not writing with anyone at all. (Okay, to be fair, I know several guys might probably be willing to write with me but...I want a girl to write with.) I haven't kissed anyone or had sex in over 4 years. Nothing. I'm quite sure it'd be a tOtaLLy different story if I were a girl!!!
I've spent the last 4 Christmases, New Year's and birthdays and summer vacations completely alone. It wasn't so bad since I've spent a lot more holidays than that alone in my life. But I just refuse to do another one. I don't believe I'll ever meet anyone again. I don't believe I'll ever get sex again. I don't believe I'll ever love again or have children or a house or a wife. I used to have hope for those things but how many years can one hold on??!! I give up. I can't do it anymore. I have to face the truth. It's just not going to happen. And I don't understand. I can't be that bad looking. I would be a really great boyfriend!! I could and would work on my phobia if I were inspired enough! Basically, gettin' some pussy would be extremely inspiring!!!:D I just want someone to love who would love me back. I need to feel the touch of a woman's skin, to have her in bed with me, to see her body, to be able to hold her at night or anytime and tell her I love her very much. I need someone to play with, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. I can't and will not go through year after year after year alone anymore. I need her so bad. I can't go through the whole rest of my life never having sex again, never being near a woman again, never having anyone in my bed again. (Like I said, most of the time I'm fine alone. I'm not looking for friends. I just need a girlfriend. And I haven't had someone to laugh with or play with or kiss or have face to face intimate conversations with or hug for 4 years now and only 2 out of the last 9 years!!)
And it's hard to face the truth, to know it's just not gonna happen. Nobody cares about me. Nobody loves me. Nobody ever will. Oh my God, nobody will even fuck me. Male or female. That's what hurts the most. I seriously need to be held and fucked every single day!!! (And sometimes treated like a complete and total slut!;) It hurts sooo bad. Day after day after day, week after week, year after year, nobody will fuck me. I really seriously totally can't stand it anymore.
I decided to do this 2-3 months ago. I've been thinking about it seriously since the beginning of the year. (Actually, I promised myself last year if I didn't get a girlfriend or any pussy, I was gonna end it all.) I need to end the suffering and the pain. I'm planning to do it with carbon monoxide poisoning. I've researched this on the internet. Cutting your wrists only works maybe 1-2 percent of the time. Taking pills usually doesn't work. If I could've gotten my hands on a gun, I would've done it looong ago! Supposedly, if you light up a barbeque in a closed room it will slowly replace the oxygen with carbon monoxide and one would die. I've read it's a very popular method of suicide in China and Japan. And very effective. I bought four bags of barbeque briquettes a couple months ago. I'll take a whole bunch of pills (Valium), drink vodka, maybe codeine, maybe some other pills, tape off all the air vents in the bedroom, light up several barbeques and that should do it. I'm not sure exactly what day yet. Well...actually, I'm planning to do it late at night, like in the early morning hours so everything will be nice and quiet. Soon. Very soon.
I feel bad about not being able to do more with my website. (Of course, on the other hand, no matter how many videos I make or how much I expand my website...no girls contact me. I won't get sex. And that was the whole idea. The internet was my only hope.) I had sooo many plans. Like, I never got to finish the pictures from all my camcorder videos. Some of the next pages I was planning to start were...I was gonna put up some interesting sexy videos I downloaded off the internet. I was gonna upload a whole bunch of Taylor Rain videos because I think she's the most way beautiful sexiest hottest thing in porn eVeR!!!!:) I was gonna make a page with links to video and picture sites I look at. I ain't got a girl. So, all I can do is look at stuff on the net. I'm a porn freak. New sites are popping up all the time, faster than I can keep track of all that. I have hundreds of links to really great free video and picture sites! And I was working on some new sex fantasies. I was gonna put up a page of pictures of my paintings. I was gonna put up a page of sex stories I found off the internet. Plus, wow, all the videos I could've kept doing.
I knew it wouldn't change anything but...it's all I had to give, to offer, before I gave up and ended it all. I spent the last three weeks of my life working on my website and uploading my videos to a few other sites. I guess
I wanted to leave something behind, to be able to say, hey, I was here. I wanted to give some people some pleasure and entertainment before I left. It means so much to me that some people really do like my videos!!:) (And, like I said, I also drank vodka every single day and took Valiums. You'd think maybe I would've slept a lot. But I didn't. Not much. Hard to sleep when you know you'll be dead within a few weeks.. And then money's almost gone. I cancelled a few bills in August to pay for vodka and pills. I also used my Visa and put my bank account in the negative direction. For vodka. That stretched things out a couple weeks. I spent around $60 Friday. That was all that was left in my account for the month after one bill got paid. I won't have the money to pay all the bills in September. That one bill is paid. A bunch are canceled. I can't pay the rent. About another $85-90 just came into my bank account today. (Monday). I went shopping (half) for vodka and (half) for food. And that's all the money I have for September. I have about another $1 more in my wallet. That's it.
I kept up all my workouts though. At least 6 nights a week. Right up 'til the end. It helps me sleep at night.) I spent the last five days drinking lots and taking pills and trying to be as relaxed as possible Watching movies I downloaded.. (And getting rid of personal papers I don't anyone to see. Getting rid of personal stuff on my computer. Still saving some though. I'm not afraid of dying. That part sounds great. My biggest fear is somehow I'd survive. Then what?! So, this plan better work!!!)
If I don't write within a couple weeks or a month, that means it prob'ly worked and I am dead. But don't be sad for me. Be happy for me.:) Please, be glad my suffering is over. Things are just soooo bad, I just can't do this anymore. I can't! Every single day is just completely absolutely pointless pain and suffering to me! I hate every single day and I don't want to live anymore. Every day I want to die. Every single day I hate having to wake up. I have to go. I have to say goodbye. I have to leave. Everyone has to die someday anyway. Without any love...without any sex at all....without any affection at all...life means absolutely nothing.
To my fans...I'm sorry.




August 29, 2008

The Big Explanation

I know I promised some kind of big explanation (behind the pills and drinking) at the end of the month but it will have to wait 'til the first week of September.
It's major and I keep putting it off and putting it off but I can't put it off any longer now. It's coming. It's coming soon. Very soon.
If anyone's curious, the vodka bottle count since August 23rd was 66, now it's 73,




August 23, 2008

Again, Am I An Alcoholic Yet?

So, I think, since July 19th, I estimated, I drank 15 bottles so far that month. Today is August 23rd and I've drunk 66 bottles since I've been collecting them, that means 51 bottles since July 19th. And you know, I never drink without taking 1-3 10mg. Valiums. And occasionally some codeine, Am I an alcoholic?




August 23, 2008

I Got My Fav Sunglasses Back!:)

So, I actually got some good news today. The hospital sent me back my ID card, which was missing from my last accident, and they said they had my sunglasses! The lady didn't send them 'cause she was afraid they'd break, which they prob'ly would. But the letter I got said I could come pick 'em up. So, that's what I did today. Yay! Stilll in good condition. Had blood on 'em but that cleans off easily enough.. Really happy to have 'em back.:D They cost me, like, $350 here. Although I know now, I can get 'em cheaper off eBay. Anyway, I got 'em back and that's really great news.:)




August 16, 2008

The Pills and Drinking Adventures Continue

I don't understand. Last time I was out I took 2 Valiums and drank a little over a half a bottle of vodka and I was fine. No problems. I only went to 2 stores though.
Yesterday, the same. Maybe 2/3 of a bottle. Okay, plus a couple aspirin/codeine tabs. I wasn't planning on doing much shopping since I was almost out of cash. But I tried my Visa at a bank automat and it gave me $400!!:) LOL. Holy shit! I tried the card again but it wouldn't give me any more. My bank account is in the negative direction now.
Anyway, so I was only planning to get 4 bottles of vodka but got 10 instead!:) My only regret is I didn't get the last 2 bottles that were there at the store.
Then I came home. (Rememeber, I only have a bike so I have to come home to unload stuff before I go out again.) Then I was out to another store. Did that a couple more times. I was finally at my last stop, just about to check out when...I don't know what happened. I fell down. I got right back up but was kinda dazed. I looked down watching blood dripping on the floor. The checkout girl was talking to someone else about calling for an ambulance. Oh no!
The ambulance got there really fast!! Like, instantly. I'm saying , please, I'm fine, all I want to do is get my stuff and go home. But the paramedic is saying I'm bleeding and I have to go with him to the hospital. He was extremely insistent. I went. A nurse stitched me up. I didn't even notice. I thought they were just cleaning and putting band-aids on. Apparently, I have a cut over my right eye. I also have a black eye again! But not at all as bad as last time. This one should heal within a week, hopefully. And I cut my chin open again. The exact same spot from a couple weeks ago or somewhere about then.
Anyway, so they brought to the hospital in an ambulance, stitched me up and I was laying there alone. I got up, grabbed my backpack and left. But I started walking in the wrong direction home. I walked at least a half hour before I realized I was going totally the wrong way. Then I walked back, got to my bike and rode home.
Today my ass hurts pretty bad, my elbow is scraped up, I have a cut over my eye, a black eye again, a cut under my chin. I took the stitches out already. Maybe not the smartest idea but it just looks so goofy and strange to me having stitches on my face.
The worst news is that fall in the store must've been my second fall that day. I think I fell off my bike somewhere before then. Looking over store receipts, I lost a bag of several cartons of milk and had to go back to buy more. My fav expensive sunglasses are gone and my fav earphones to my MP3 player are gone. I still have the MP3 player though!:D
I remember the first half of the day and I was fine! It's the second half of the day I was all confused, falling down, going back to stores I'd already been to. I've figured out if I take pills and drink and am out all day...that's a big problem. I will fall down. I'll crash. I'll lose things. It's so weird 'cause I can take lots more pills and booze at home and nothing at all happens! I don't fall down or get confused or anything!! Apparently, being out all day and riding my bike everywhere, trying to do too much, after a few hours...something happens and things go horribly wrong. I fall, I get cut up, I get blood all over my clothes, I lose stuff, stuff gets scratched up. It's crazy.
Next time I go out, I'm NOT taking that much! I swear!! I'll hold off 'til after I get home. At home nothing bad happens.
I've learned getting high and going out...leads to all kinds of disaster and destruction.
I thought taking pills and drinking would make shopping fun. But...now I'm thinking...too many risks of falling, getting cut, bleeding, losing stuff, getting stuff scratched up. It's all just way too crazy.
I still have plenty of money left for the month.:) Hee hee. And what am I planning to do next week? But more pills and booze!:P (Even though I don't need it right now. At the moment, I have more pills and vodka then I've ever had. I just wanna spend all my money, use the last of it up on what I like most lately.;)
Further explanations coming. I will explain it all before the month is over. I'm purposely on a self destructive path and just really don't give a sh*t anymore. It's all gonna be over soon.

August 10, 2008

I Need To Be Fucked!

So...I guess I'm drunk right now. And I have no one to play with. How boring.
I usually take Valiums and drink and sleep at least a couple hours in the afternoons now. It's alright but today I'm afraid to sleep. I know when I wake up I'll be sober and it'll be dinner time. Then workout, then watch TV, then go to bed alone, then wake up alone. Again. Horny. And no one to hold, no one to fuck.
I was wondering this morning...are there any girls into morning sex?? 'Cause after a night's sleep, I'm charged up and horny as f***! I need to, you know, deposit my sperm somewhere. LOL.
Yeah, so, mostly I like being alone, I guess, but sometimes I get lonely. No one to talk to. No one to have fun with.
I wish all the time I was a girl so I could attract more interest, more company, more sex.
I'd be happy, I think, if a guy could use my ass or my mouth to deposit his sperm into. And I wish I had a pussy!! At least I'd feel useful in some way. At least and at last I'd feel someone likes me and could get horny over me.:)
I need to feel sexually desired. I need to be sexually wanted and used. Without it...I'm nothing, a zero, I feel totally useless to anyone.
I want to be fucked daily! And I don't know why everyone on earth doesn't want to do porn videos and get naked and be fucked constantly. 'Cause that's what I want! That's what I want to do!! That's what I wish I could do!!!
To be loved. Physically, sexually. That's my biggest dream.:)

August 3, 2008

My Apartment (And Dreams)

I used to love my apartment!:) It's one of the larger sizes in town. Lots of space. More space than I've ever had to myself. And I thought carefully and decorated each room just as I wanted. I thought about colors, having some stuff showing but not too much, arranging the furniture just perfectly. I thought about every square inch in every room and what would look best. I like things generally sparse, clean, uncluttered, calm, relaxing. A few things to look at but definitely not too much.
And now...I'm tired of my apartment. I'm tired of neighbors. The neighbor war with those old neighbors downstairs still goes on. It drags my spirits down daily still. I've learned to wear ear plugs every night and some of the day, listen to my TV with earphones and a hearing protector, for example. And I still HATE those neighbors! I despise them. I'd really like to shoot them in the head and never see or hear from them ever ever again. Things aren't as bad as when they first moved in but...they still bother me a GREAT deal and I want them dead and gone!!! It would make my life sooo much easier and happier.
But even with them gone...I'm still tired of my apartment, my town, my life. I want to live in a different country. I want out of here.
I want my own house, secluded, no neighbors, no noise. I want to be rich and have a mansion all to myself! With a pool!!:D I'd swim every day. I'd have my own mini-bar. I'd shop. I imagine I'd be quite happy for some time, possibly years even. Even if I never met anyone and only if I didn't have to work. I want to be rich, live where I want, travel when I want, shop when I want. Have a nice big impressive place to invite a girl to.:)
That's the dream, isn't it? The dream everyone wants. The dream so very few actually get.
It's not about talent. It's about who you know, who can get you in somewhere. The key to a good life is about contacts, what family you were born into, how the people you know can help you.
Sure, there are success stories...the few in a billion that came from nowhere and made it big. But the odds are way against it! Most talented people will never get their shot, never get their chance to show what they can do. For the few that made it...millions didn't. Millions of extremely talented people will never be heard of.
I'm slightly drunk as I write this but you all know it's true. Life is purely a matter of chance, who you know, who can get you in to see someone important.
I never got my shot and I am very disappointed and bitter. I could've been someone if I knew the right people. But I don't know anyone. And I won't lie or play games to get in with the right people. It's not me. It's not in my nature. I'd rather die than kiss up to the right people. I guess I have my pride and I will never give it up.
To all you dreamers....it's a one in a billion shot. I play the odds. I know I will never be anyone. The dream has absolutely no hold on me anymore. The future is gone, done, sealed and decided. I am alone and will be alone forever.
I wish I had something better to say. But these days I face the truth. No more silly dreams, no more hope, just...dead truth and honesty.

July 29, 2008

Ode To Lots of Valium and Vodka :P

Cruisin'

Baby, let's cruise away from here
Don't be confused, the way is clear
And if you want it, you got it forever
This is not a one night stand, baby, yeah
So, let the music take your mind, ooh
Just release and you will find

You're gonna fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
The music is playing for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

Baby, tonight belongs to us
Everything's right, do what you must
And inch by inch we get closer and closer
To every little part of each other
Ooh, baby, yeah
So, let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find

You're gonna fly away
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
The music is playing for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it when we're cruisin' together

(Cruise with me, baby, cruise)
Oooh, yeah
Oh, baby

Baby, let's cruise
Let's float, let's glide
Ooh, let's open up and go inside
And if you want it, you got it forever
Ah, I could just stay there inside you and love you, baby
Let the music take your mind
Just release and you will find

You're gonna fly, yeah, yeah
Glad you're going my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
The music is playing for love
Cruisin' is made for love
I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it

(We're gonna fly away)
Yeah
(Glad you're going my way)

I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music is playing for love, slow music
Ooh, baby
I love it

--by Smokey Robinson (1979)

July 19, 2008

Am I An Alcoholic Yet?

So, I'm not totally sure but I think I drank at least 15 bottles of vodka so far this month. And the month is far from over! They raised the price (again!) on the brand I used to get so it was around the begining of the month I found a cheaper brand at another store that tastes fine.:) And I drink the bottles so fast, I don't even throw 'em out anymore. I have a collection lined up on the floor in a spare room from the last several weeks. It's up to 36 bottles now. Hee hee. Plus I take 2-3 Valiums a day now.
I crash on my bike a lot and don't remember. Just as my face was almost healed from last time....yesterday....I got a cut on my chin and...a black eye!:S Plus the right side of my ass hurts from falling somewhere. I'm really f***in' upset about the black eye. I've never had one before. It looks horrible! F***!!! How long does such a thing take to heal? I want to do more videos!!
Why my face?:( I seriously seriously don't want my face messed up anymore!! I hate that. It's so depressing and upsetting.:( I'm not going to take as much Valium and vodka when I go out anymore. I don't want to risk f***ing up my face anymore. I take too much and obviously can't ride my bike without crashing. I don't even remember the crashes anymore. I don't remember much of anything when I go out anymore, in fact.
Do I have a problem? Yes. I take Valium and drink vodka everyday lately.
Why? Like I've said a few times before, there is an explanation coming soon.
Everyone has problems. Everyone has pain. Most everyone keeps the faith and the hope but...I don't have that anymore. Absolutely no faith and no hope in the future.
And I am so so sorry I can't write about I'm having a great time, that everything is fine and I'm doing just great. I'm sorry. I really am.
The truth is my life is a total freakin' mess and it can't be saved. I used to have hope....but without it, I have nothing left.
Ha ha, yes, these are the rantings and ramblings of someone that needs to be fucked very badly!:P Most of the time, I think that's what I want to do with my life, just be naked and fucked every day!!!:D

July 5, 2008

Booze and Pills (And My Most Depressing Post Ever)

So, yesterday I took 3 or 4 Valium, drank about a bottle of vodka and took some codeine.
I was biking yesterday and fell pretty bad somewhere. I don't remember where or when. I must've come home and passed out for about 3 hours. I woke up. My clothes had blood on them. Some blood on the walls. My face was messed up. My nose and chin got scraped and my upper lip is split open and swollen. I didn't care a whole lot right then. All I could think was, like, shit, it's late, I didn't finish my shopping! I cleaned my face up slightly and left again. I went to a store I'd already been to earlier. I just plain forgot I had already been there. I bought double of a few things. Came home, couldn't find my new backpack, took another one, left for the bank. Couldn't remember my pin code to get some cash. Couldn't get any more money. Went to another store, bought just a few things. Came home. Ate. Passed out on the couch. Woke up. Took a shower. Washed blood out of my clothes. Still couldn't find my new Puma backpack. Amazingly, all I lost was the backpack, a compact mirror and my favorite sunglasses case. I scratched up my favorite bracelet a bit in the fall too. Dammit! Looks like I'll have to buy a third one. I would've totally f***ing completely freaked out if I lost my new expensive favorite sunglasses or my new MP3 player but I still have them.
I was planning to record a new video today but...my face is too messed up right now. I even considered going to the hospital to have my lip looked at. It could probably use some stitches but...maybe it'll be okay anyway. It looks a lot better today than yesterday
I finished my shopping today. I asked at the stores I was at yesterday if I might've forgotten my backpack there. No luck. They don't have it. I must've lost it where ever I crashed yesterday but I can't remember where that might've been.
Was at the bank again. Still can't get any more money because I tried my pin code 3 times wrong yesterday. And I can't get into the bank today to get this straightened out because it's Saturday and they're closed. Sigh. Only had money for one more bottle of vodka.
I got my new order of pills in the mail today! 150 this time. Generic Valium. 10mg tablets. The first place I ordered from has been closed since summer vacation. They keep saying they're sold out and will open again soon. I don't know when. It's been weeks now. I ordered from another place wholesale-pharmacy.com. You can also check and compare prices and read reviews of other places at drugbuyers.com. I'm very happy I got my new pills but really disappointed and depressed I lost my new backpack and my fav sunglasses case. Also really very irritated and upset about my lip getting split open and not even being able to remember how or where it happened. In fact, there are rapidly increasing hours of time every week that I totally don't remember.
Some of my favorite things get dropped, get scratches, etc., 'cause I get drunk and drop stuff. That upsets me quite a bit but...unavoidable with all I drink and all the pills I take lately.
With all the problems and things going wrong, you'd think I'd maybe want to quit. But I don't. Not at all. I feel it's the only thing keeping me alive, the only thing that keeps me going. I just want more and more and more. It's approaching a daily habit. If that's addiction, so be it. I don't care. I want to spend my last weeks or months being as relaxed and unfeeling and spaced out as possible.
There is no love, no affection, no kind words, no hope. Nothing left. Booze and pills help me forget some of the misery and make some kind of coping possible.
Sorry for the depressing post. I really do try not to write when I'm down. I don't know how most people feel about their lives. At the moment I'm guessing most people feel the same way and anyone reading this would have some kind of appreciation that I'm just being honest and straightforward.
I don't know what love is. I don't know what happiness is. I've forgotten what simple affection is like. I don't believe in those things anymore. I have no hope for those things anymore. I know I will never have them. People survive on faith and hope but what happens when you face the truth and give up all those ridiculous preposterous notions and fairytales. Then there's nothing left.
To try my best to end on more upbeat note...oh my God, somebody fUcK me, please!!!!!!! Strip me down, bend me over and fuck me like a cheap dirty slut!! Do me good! My mouth, my ass, everything!!! Do it to me every single day!:D

July 2, 2008

I Had A Dream About Jennifer Connelly

Jennifer Connelly is one of my very favorite actresses! I think about her a lot actually. I've seen almost all of the movies she's been in. Some of them...oh my God! Her look and performance absolutely blew me away. Like...in A Beautiful Mind (2001), Requiem For A Dream (2000), House Of Sand And Fog (2003), Dark Water (2005), even in Hulk (2003)...she made that movie worth watching.
Oh my God, that face, those eyes...eyes I know I could look at forever and always be enchanted and amazed. That beautiful long dark hair! I looooooove it. She is totally magnetic on screen and holds my attention deeply every second. I could go on and on. She's so beautiful and sexy! Yet she seems so...grounded, so "down to earth" as they say, someone that would be so easy and fun and nice to talk to. I'd do anything for a girl like that!!!!
Of course...she's married, has kids, etc. I know someone that successful wouldn't be interested in me. (I suppose, sort of technically, I'm just "a fan". But I've never understood fan hysteria. You know, people obsessed with stars. I wouldn't wait in line anywhere just to catch a glimpse of someone. I wouldn't waste my time writing to a star. They won't write back, I'm pretty sure. Nothing can come of it. It's very unlikely they'd ever even see it if I wrote something. I don't even want anyone's autograph. I'd never ask for one. I don't understand why some people care so much about autographs.)
So...the dream, yeah, the one and only dream I've ever had about her. I rarely ever have happy dreams. So, I'm pleased if I don't remember my dreams at all. This one may have been the best dream...in years, I suppose. I can't remember anything better at the moment anyway.
We were together in a room. Alone. I don't know where the room was except that it was a living room maybe. I don't know if it was in a house or apartment or who lived there or even what city or country it was. We sat on wooden chairs very close to each other. Some things weren't in the dream but I knew them. Like, we'd already met several times. We always had such a great time talking to each other. I had very strong feelings for her. I think I was in love with her. But...I didn't know how she felt and I didn't want to ruin anything or make her uncomfortable.
Every once in awhile I'd touch her hair or put my arm around her at an appropriate moment in a conversation. I'm usually not that brave. I basically don't touch someone I don't know very well. I don't know, I just felt so comfortable with her. She seemed to enjoy it very much, like smile every time or blush or something but...I'm realllly stupid about that stuff! I mean, I never know what girls I've only recently met think of me. Anyway...
So, we're sitting close together and talking. I couldn't help it. She was right there. So beautiful! So perfect. I wanted to touch her so bad. I reached up and touched her gorgeous hair. We were already sitting so close together. I put my head close to hers, against her. Being with her made me happy and the closer I was, the happier I was. I kind of half hugged her and she hugged me back. My mouth was right next to her pretty ear. I whispered something like, "I like this."
She smiled and said, "I like it too." And then she asked me something about why I didn't do that more. She also asked me why was it so hard for me to show my feelings.
I softly told her I liked being with her so much! It meant so much to me. And it was extremely difficult to hold back. I told her I felt I was holding back so much and it was so hard that it hurts. I wanted to touch her more!! Oh my God, so much. And she was telling me she liked me too and asking me so why do I hold back, why don't I touch her more and let her know how I feel. I told her something about because I respect her so much. I'm in awe of her. She's sooo beautiful and I'm so blown away and impressed with everything she's accomplished in her life. I was saying something like, "You've accomplished so much! I'm so proud of you. I don't even know how to explain how impressed I am. I'm intimidated by you sometimes."
My mouth was close to her ear. I was rubbing my face lightly against her soft hair. We held each other, our hands moving around on each other. I knew she liked what she was hearing. She liked the compliments. She said something to me like it was sweet but I shouldn't be intimidated. She just wanted to be with me. She wanted me not to be afraid anymore and please show my feelings.

Okay...so the dream wasn't about sex. I wasn't naked. There wasn't an actual kiss. At least not on the mouth. Not that I remember. I think I might have kissed her ear and the side of her head a couple times. But...sitting there, holding each other, being so close...in that moment, in that moment I was so happy and life was so good. And meaningful. It was so beautiful!! Such a beautiful happy moment.
And then I woke up.:S :(
I wanted to go back!!! Back to the dream, back to that beautiful dream, back to the happiness and love I felt. I wished I could go back forever and just stay there. But I couldn't get back. My eyes were closed but I wasn't tired. I was uncomfortable. I had to change position. I couldn't fall asleep again. I turned back and tried the position I was in before. I couldn't sleep. It was lost. Gone. Gone forever.
I woke up to my crappy useless meaningless pathetic sad life. I got up, put on a robe and made my morning iced coffee. (Well, I only use ice if it's really hot. Today it's not, so...)
I grabbed a free newspaper off the kitchen counter that I picked up somewhere yesterday. I walked to a couch in the living room. Still thinking about that dream. Before I sat down, I started to cry. Every day, every night, what I think about, what I really truly want most was in that dream. There was a beautiful girl. We loved each other. There were very special feelings and affection between us.
I sat down on the couch and cried.

I don't want to write these things. I don't want to go on and on about most of the stuff I've been writing about this year. But it's all leading to...a sort of explanation. It all adds up. It makes sense later. I'm not ready to go into that just yet. Soon.

June 28, 2008

Oops...Too Much Valium, Vodka and Codeine. (I Got Totally F***ed Up.)

Like, f***! Whaddid I say last time. Tone it down!!!
Now, you do know I could totally skip telling you this story and make you think nothing ever goes wrong and I'm always in control and never embarrass myself but...something went wrong this week. The truth is anyone who keeps up experimenting with mixing pills and drinking...one day something will go wrong. And this is my most shameful drinking story, the one time I was not in control of my own body, the absolute most messed up I've ever been.
For some unknown reason I decided to make last Thursday my big drug day.:P Okay, honestly, I'm tired and utterly hopelessly unimpressed with life and taking some of everything I had to get wasted seemed like a brilliant idea.:) I didn't want to get so f***ed up I couldn't go out in public to get some things done though. I wanted to be calm and relaxed as possible, not think or worry about anything, just get my stuff done, totally not give a sh*t about anything, not even have one serious thought in my head all day.:)
I started off with 20 aspirin/codeine tablets. They have 9.6mg codeine per tablet. I extracted the codeine the night before. Well, this time, I mixed the powder and water a bunch of times but let it sit in the refrigerator over night before mixing it some more and then finally filtering it. Drank that. Yucky nasty! Gross!!
Then I took a shower. Somewhere in the process of getting dressed I took a Valium. (10mg.) But forgot. I thought I might've taken one but I wasn't sure. I wasn't feeling much of anything. Strangely more excited and awake than usual actually. That's what the codeine usually does to me. (But I still take it sometimes 'cause I've read it's supposed to be relaxing.) I didn't feel any Valium at all. So, I took another one to be sure. Then, after I got dressed, I started on the vodka shots. I had about half a bottle. Wasn't really high or drunk or anything. Just...slightly mellow was all. My big drug day was looking like it was going to turn out to be a complete joke. Some days it works out pretty good, some days it just doesn't do much of anything.
I was out to a couple places. Came back. Felt fine. Not particularly high at all or wasted or anything. I took another Valium (up to 30mg at this point) and had several more shots of vodka. (Up to over half a bottle now, closer to 3/4 of a bottle.) I almost forgot...before I got to the vodka again, I took some Lyrica too. It's a medicine for epilepsi and can also be used for anxiety. I was curious about it because I read a couple people said if you take enough of it, like 600mg, you can get high off it. The first time I tried it, I took four or five 75mg capsules while I was out and after I had been drinking. I drank a lOt that day! I came home sort of half conscious, had fallen off my bike at least once, my hand was bleeding but I didn't notice. I fell on the bed and passed out for a few hours. But last Thursday I only took one pill, I think. Not more than two anyway. I really don't remember. I didn't think it would do much but...maybe it did. This was only my second time trying it. The warnings for it say not to take it with alcohol or Lorazepam, which is another benzodiazepine much like Valium. Wow...now I'm thinking that's what caused the problem I had. So, anyway, I left again. Of course, this was planned and I was doing this on an empty stomach. Hadn't eaten at all or drank much of anything the last 18 hours or so.
Around 20 minutes later...I was walking to the bank when......I don't know what the f*** happened. I fainted. I just collapsed and fell on the pavement. A couple of passers by asked if I was okay. Yeah, yeah, I said I was fine. There was a fountain thing nearby with benches around it. I spotted an empty bench and barely managed to get myself up. I got over to the bench and sat down. I don't remember how I got to the bench exactly. Prob'ly half walking, half stumbling. I sat there for a little while thinking about how I really should get to the bank and finish my shopping but...I couldn't walk. I tried to get up at least a couple times. I think I fell once. I sat down the next time I tried before I fell down. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't walk. I could barely move.
Time passed. At least 3 people came over at different points to say hi to me. One shook my hand. They sure seemed like they knew me but I didn't recognize any of them. They were just quick sort of greetings. Besides barely being able to move, I could barely speak. I don't remember if I even said anything at all. I still don't remember who they were. Maybe they thought I was someone else...? Strange though. At least 3, maybe 4 people, had come by to say hi. And it didn't seem like it had been that long at all but I must have been there about 4 hours.
I had tried a whole bunch of times to get up and walk but couldn't. I remember staring at my flip flop that was only half on my right foot. I was trying to wiggle my foot into it. I couldn't even do that. I had my MP3 player with me. I thought I'd listen to some music but...I couldn't see the screen. Maybe the sunlight was just too bright. I kept trying to make it work but I couldn't get it to do anything.
This was way out and by far the most totally f***ed up I've ever ever been from drinking and pills. I've never before been so messed up I couldn't walk. I could barely move. I was barely aware of what I was doing or what was going on around me.
It got late. It was getting darker. It was about 7pm. I was the only one left. There might've been one other person walking by. I don't remember. My consciousness seemed to drift in and out. The stores were closed. I knew it was way too late to get to the bank. The post office was closed. I couldn't finish my shopping. I didn't even know if I could get home but I decided I wasn't going to sit there all night. So, I got up and gave it another try. I could walk!:)
I made it to my bike. I tried to ride it. Within a minute (or two at most), I fell off. And I knew I was just still too messed up to ride my bike. It was simply not going to work. No way. I'd have to walk it home. So, that's what I did.
I got home, stripped off my clothes, put on a bathrobe, layed down and went to sleep on...the couch or the bed. I don't remember. I woke up around 2am. I drank at least a liter of Coca-Cola Zero with ice. Oh my God, it was sooo good!!:D I wasn't that tired but I figured I should try and sleep the rest of the night, get up early and finish the stuff I needed to do.
I must've eaten some chicken after I got home that night 'cause I saw the plate the next morning. I don't remember eating anything though.
Anyways, like, holy freakin' f*** ducks, I didn't think anything could mess me up that bad 'cause I've never experienced anything like that before. But...yeah, wow, take enough stuff and...it'll bring anyone down. LOL.
Gotz 2 gotz 2 rememba...tone it down.

June 22, 2008

In The News Today: Special Town Name Attracts Turists

A small village, with just 93 inhabitants, a little outside of Salzburg in Austria has been pestered by turists since EM soccer season started.
The village is used to turists. But especially the many English speaking soccer fans have made the village a turist magnet. The reason for the village's popularity is its notable name.
The village is called Fucking. And even though its actually pronounced "fooking", turists still flock there just to be photographed next to the village sign.
The village is also plagued by thieves that take the Fucking town sign home with them.

-------------------------

Holy sh*t! And I thought the Danish town name Middelfart was bad. Ha ha ha...
Like, you know, when you wander out of Fucking to somewhere else...and someone asks, so, where do you live? Oh, I come from Fucking. No, I mean, where were you born? In Fucking. Can I give you a ride home, where should we go? Fucking. LOL.
And, by the way, think of how excellent this would look on a job application or something.;) And letters! They come addressed...you know, name, street, city and country: Fucking, Austria. LOL.
Hey! How 'bout a turist book with all the jokes!!:) That'd be a nifty souvenir.:) Hell yeah, a detailed and informative practical guide full of facts and the complete history of Fucking!:D
Dude! Oh my God, I'm pretty f***ing sure if I lived in Fucking, I would have to f***ing move as soon as f***ing possible!:P Like...damn, that's f***ed up, f*** that sh*t!!!:P :) :D

June 20, 2008

My Latest Valium and Vodka Adventures

Well, so, being that I'm still new to trying out Valium...I've been experimenting to see how much is enough and how much is too much. Valium on its own doesn't seem to do much but with vodka it's pretty cool.;)

Last time, a couple days ago, um, oh my gosh, I didn't plan to take so much, it just kinda happened. I had four 10mg Valium pills, around 90mg codeine and about half a bottle of vodka. Yeah...that'll pretty much knock you out half the day and most of the night. LOL. (I was very well rested and had a very long good run last night though. I jogged for 2 hours.)

Today...I seem to have totally completely forgotten that Valium increases the effect of vodka. I had 2 pills of Valium, 2 pills of aspirin/codeine and just almost a whole bottle of vodka. Within an hour. This makes being in any sort of work environment nearly impossible without arousing suspicion. Another simple tip: It may make riding a bike a bit awkward during some moments.:P On my way home, after stopping at the store to pick up a couple more bottles of vodka, of course, I recall drifting over a little too far to the right and falling over into some bushes. At least once. Maybe twice. I only remember once for sure though. And my forehead got a bit scraped up.
And, oh my God, if you think alcohol makes you forget things sometimes, holy jeez, a couple Valium with vodka......um, wow, not remembering much lately. LOL.

Tone it down, that's all. That's what I've learned from my last 2 adventures. Still very much enjoying my new lil cute blue pills and will definitely get some more.:) (I'll prob'ly try the generic ones next time though. They're half the price.)

Would rather be having sex! The pills and booze, for one thing, help me forget how much I really want someone to take off my clothes, feel me up and fuck me totally sexy raw and dirty.:)

June 12, 2008

I Gotz Me Sum Valium!!:) Hellz yeah!!! YAY!!!!!!! :D

I'm bored with codeine already. It usually seems to act as an upper on me. And, if it works right, the effects are never consistent or reliable. Not what I'm looking for.
I started looking into getting some Valium over a year ago. I can't get it from the health system here. I've been searching the net increasingly more and more the last several months. Put in a lot of hours on that altogether. No, it's not that difficult to find but finding a reasonable price is totally crazy hard. And then, of course, you pay up front but how do you know they'll actually send anything. Other considerations being, like, do they know how to package it so Customs won't get curious. That would freakin' outrageously suck to spend a bunch of money and Customs just grabs the pills and throws 'em out. They will do that in Denmark. Plus, if it happens more than once, there could be criminal charges. I was so very much hoping to find somewhere that ships from inside the E.U. That's really important 'cause Customs here doesn't usually check stuff coming from another E.U. country.
Anyway, oh my God, last week I finally found something! Someone mentioned it on a forum board somewhere. I checked it out. Seemed like it was probably for real. They have the original brand name Valium for less than half the price I've seen for generic Valium anywhere else. And they also have generic Valium way cheap! Although...the generic pills come loose in a plastic bag. No packaging or labelling or anything. I'd never even tried Valium so I figured I better get the original if possible so I know what effect it's supposed to have. I ordered. They sent it! Came within a few days. And they know how to package it, no worries there. Looked real. Comes in original blister packs. Of course, I had to try them to be sure. Yep, they're real!:)
Requestedmeds.net. They've got Valium, Xanax, a few other things. Lowest prices I've found anywhere. (Except for the couple of times I came across a nice low price if you order a couple thousand pills. Ha ha, I'd like to but I just don't have the money for that.) The place I ordered from is closed right now for summer vacation but open again Monday, June 23rd.
Oh my God, I was sooo excited and happy when I got my pills!:D I tried Valium for the first time that night. Right after my workout. Since it was my first time and I didn't know how strong the stuff was, I tried just half a pill, 5mg. A puny amount, I know. But I was thinking, hey, it's a prescription drug, there must be a reason for that. It might be really strong. Ha ha, it's not though. Similar to alcohol is all. Not that big a deal. Okay...not the best idea to take it straight after a workout 'cause the heart is still going faster than normal. I felt some occasional irregular flutters and such during the first 20-30 minutes. It feels like the heart really wants to do one thing but the Valium is pushing it to do something else. Anyway, well, it was real late. I just watched some TV. Barely made it through the first half of a movie I had on disc and conked out on the couch. I didn't know if the Valium caused that or...maybe I was so tired just 'cause it was so late, about 3am.
The next night I worked out a little longer. Same thing, took a shower, watched TV. No pill this time. Watched the rest of that movie and started another one. It was around 3am again but I wasn't that tired. I went to bed just 'cause it was so late. So...then I was sure the Valium did have an effect the night before.
Some people on the net say Valium itself isn't that big a deal but...when you add alcohol...that makes it a whole new thing. (Of course, a lot of people say don't ever take 'em both at the same time. And I don't mean to promote drinking or drugs. I'm not suggesting anyone else who hasn't tried it should try it. I never do that. I'm just writing some of my experiences is all.)
The next day I tried 5mg Valium and had 5 shots of vodka. Hmmm.:) Nice.:D Pretty cool.;) I liked it. It works!!:D Yeah, so, that was really nice for 20 minutes or so. Then I started thinking I hadn't eaten yet and I was really hungry. I had some eggs and toast. Within 20-30 minutes after that the buzz was gone.:( Like...holy sh*t, isn't there anything a person can take and still feel it even after eating??! God, anytime I eat I can't get high off anything, not even a buzz.
Then I was thinking, hey, next time I'll try 10mg and 10 shots and see how that is. Well...that was yesterday. And, well, uh...hee hee.......yeah, I started with 10mg and 8 shots. But, within the next hour or two, it got up to 30mg and 12-14 shots. LOL. Umm...yeah, it was good.:) I liked it. Seems to double the effect of alcohol. I've felt the same sometimes drinking a bottle or more of vodka (with 2-3 aspirin/codeine tablets). I'm a little disappointed with the strength of Valium. I mean...sometimes you see in movies someone drinks a lot or takes Valium and drinks with that and gets blurry vision and can't walk straight and is totally messed up. I've never experienced anything like that. I was out shopping. No problem riding my bike or walking around or anything. Valium and vodka is just pleasantly relaxing, that's all.:)
Well...okay, so...LOL...what if I were to confess not every single moment yesterday went perfectly smoothly. Ha ha, how many times do you think I fell off my bike or did something else embarrassing?:P Okay, yeah, well, no problems except in one store, my last stop, I opened the freezer door thing and I wanted something on the bottom. I bent down and somehow my feet slid out from under me and I fell on my ass.:P Some lady was standing right there offering to help me up. I said I was okay. Got up, bent down and it happened again. Plop. I fell on my butt. I think the floor was wet! Maybe someone just mopped...? The lady is offering again to help me up. I said I was fine. Got up, tried again, no problem. And, yeah, that's it, the only embarrassing thing that happened.
Well, too, then I came home and after drinking and shopping I usually eat and then fall asleep for 2 or maybe even 3 hours. This time I think I slept 4 hours. Oops. Then I was close to taking another pill or two. LOL. But...quite a debate was going on in my head. Like, uh...is that really wise. And isn't that how addiction starts. And if I already want 4 or 5 pills every time I try this, how many am I gonna want in a few weeks. Plus, jeez, I can't afford to be doing that! Anyway...got busy doing other things and the urge passed.
So...hmmmm, Valium is not quite at all as kickass cool as I was hoping but...a much better supplement to vodka than codeine! I'm very very pleased I finally have some!! I love my new cute lil blue pills.:) :D




June 12, 2008

Quote From "Memoirs Of A Geisha" (2005)

The heart dies a slow death
shedding each hope like leaves
until one day there are none
no hopes
nothing remains




June 6, 2008

Test Yourself: Which Type Are You?

I saw this stupid quiz thing in a free magazine for teens. It's...well, really ridiculous but it made me laugh.:D

It starts by saying...

The test is easy and quick. Put an X by the answer that matches you best and then count to see if you have mostly A's, B's, or C's.
(Personally, I think circling the letter for your answer is best!:) Yeah, so, go ahead and use a black marker on your computer screen.:) Okay...fine, you can write the letters down on a piece of paper if you want.;)

1. How do your nails look?
A) Painted black
B) Freshly trimmed
C) Artificial

2. When you turn on the TV, you watch...
A) I never watch TV. That's way too crude.
B) Sports
C) A music video channel

3. How do you end a text message?
A) Peace!
B) Gotta go
C) Hugzzz

4. How would you describe yourself?
A) I am different
B) I'm in good shape. I could beat anyone in the 100 meter dash.
C) I am hot and trendy

5. Your biggest dream?
A) World peace
B) To be in the Olympics
C) To have my own credit card and go crazy shopping

6. What do you do on a Saturday night?
A) Light candles and philosophize over life
B) Go to bed early so I'm ready for the big game on Sunday
C) Partyyy!

7. What is your favorite dish?
A) I eat ONLY ecologic vegetarian food
B) Tuna, bananas and protein bars
C) Coca-Cola Zero

8. What should happen on your dream date?
A) We drink herbal tea and read poems
B) We watch an ice hockey game
C) I get lots of compliments

9. Biggest idol?
A) Marilyn Manson
B) David Beckham
C) Paris Hilton

10. What do you fear most?
A) I am worried about global warming
B) I hate to lose
C) I'm afraid of running out of money

Results:
Mostly A's...
There is no doubt. You are the alternative type that doesn't want to be like everyone else. You are passionate about long discussions where you can air your opinions and you have a lot of them.
Remember: It's hard to be genuinely alternative when you look like all the others who are alternative.

Mostly B's...
You are the sporty type that is eager to set new records and win EVERYTHING you come in contact with. Therefore others probably see you as obsessed with training, training, training and dieting.
Remember: Sports is not everything. There really should be also time for having fun with your friends.

Mostly C's...
Busted! You are a genuine pop chick. When it comes to fashion, pop music and Hollywood's beautiful stars, you're on the beat. You have your finger on the pulse and know what's hot and what's not right now.
Remember: A real friend or boyfriend doesn't care if you wear designer clothes.
--------------------------------------------------

So, which one are you?
Wanna guess which type I am?:P LOL. Well...I got one B, two A's and seven C's. LOL. I'm totally not kidding those times when I say I should've been a girl!:) For real!!:P (My life would've been sooo different. Happier. Sigh...)




May 30, 2008

Codeine and Vodka Adventure nr.6 and 7

Just real quick to keep U updated.;) LOL.
And, oh my God, why does every time have to be so different than the time before?! It's like...being blindfolded and eating mixed chocolates from a box. You just never know what you're gonna get 'til you put it in your mouth and try it.

Adventure nr.6: Codeine gets you constipated.:S That you can count on! I already have problems with that sometimes (prob'ly from the aspirin/codeine I was taking before I learned about extracting the codeine) and sometimes take pills for that. I've been taking more but apparently not enough. I barely pooped at all in 3 or 4 days and felt all backed up. I woke up with an uncomfortable stomach. It was bubbling and gurgling away. Then, along with the codeine and vodka, I drank too much fluids and too much stuff to try and prevent a stomach ache that I...threw up.:S A little. Three times.:S The codeine I had and the 7 shots of vodka I had up 'til then turned out to be a complete waste. I didn't know how much of what I barfed up so I didn't know how much more to take. Besides, I didn't have time to make another batch of codeine. I had to go. Five minutes or so after I left...I realized I felt completely sober and completely nOt high.:S Total freakin' F***, piss, sh*t!!!

Adventure nr.7: I told myself just don't throw up. Everything will be fine. Just don't throw up!;) And I didn't.
The codeine made me feel jittery and energetic again this time. Darn. I was hoping for that great calm feeling like when I tried it the fifth time. I was expecting to feel pretty good after some vodka. But I just didn't feel it so much. I had 8 shots. I stopped at 8 'cause my stomach wasn't feeling good and I didn't want to risk throwing up. I was out for a couple of hours or so, came back and just about finished a whole bottle of vodka. I was feeling alright. Just kinda calm and alright, not really high, not as relaxed as other times. It was disappointing.:S I went back out, did a little more shopping, came home, had dinner, slept for a couple of hours and then I wasn't tired. Kinda lazy but not tired. Stayed up 'til 4 or 5am.

And today is apparently big pooping day for me.:P Yay!!:D Oh my God, finally!!!:)




May 27, 2008

Uh Huh, Codeine and Vodka Adventure nr.5! :P

Okay, the highlights...
While I'm drinking the codeine stuff, I'm wondering why I use that much water. I've been using a small glass of water for the extraction on every 10 tablets. I'm gonna do it all in one small glass next time 'cause, see, a minute after I drank that stuff down, I'm thinking "that stuff is wicked icky gross, man!" I laughed out loud a couple of times over that. Then I wondered "am I gettin' loopy already?" No, too soon. Just goofy hopeful anticipation, I guess. I forget about it and continued getting myself ready to get to a meeting, a meeting which got cancelled.:S
About 25 minutes in, I noticed the effects. It was calming. Really nice. Beautiful.:) I sensed a bit of the pleasure I've read about when people take more intense opiates like heroin or morphine. I wished codeine was much stronger so I could experience that intense kind of high but at least I got a general idea of what it might really be like to take something more powerful. I began thinking of it as "my happy drink." :o)
I had really taken the time to stir the mixture yesterday and try my best to get the powder to dissolve. I sorta forgot about that last time. I think I only stirred it 4-5 times. I remember being surprised how much of the white sludge there was left over after I filtered it. It seemed a little too much.
There was no jittery feeling this time. Based on what I experienced before, I was actually expecting to feel something like an energetic caffeine boost or something, a real sense of alertness and energy, but...it wasn't like that this time. I'm thinking of dropping my suspicion this stuff will always act as an upper on me. I also think this was the strongest high yet I've gotten off codeine. It wasn't at all as spacey as before, no euphoria, just more pleasurable.:) Quite calm. Quite relaxing.
After 5 shots of vodka I was thinking, like, wOw, I've never felt this good off just 5 shots!:) This is pretty awesome.:D
After 10 shots I was thinking...I don't know if I've ever been this high before. This is definitely in the top 5 of all time. Hee hee.:D (But I was still wishing with all my heart I had some Valium or weed or something else to add to it.)
Was on time for the supposed meeting. Stupid thing was cancelled. Went to a store to go see about a part I ordered for my treadmill. Again. I've been waiting for it for weeks. Now they say they can't get the part.:S I didn't think they could get it. It's just...a real bummer to know for sure now and have no hope.:( I may be stuck with using my older junky treadmill 'til I get a new one. Or the part. Which is very doubtful. Damn. F***. One little part goes wrong and...the whole thing is completely useless. Long story. Anyway...
Got a couple things at the supermarket, came home, ate, read the news, slept for a couple of hours. Woke up all sweaty in the middle of some crazy ass dream.
Uh huh, now it's clear why I write about this. It's the most exciting thing I got goin' on. LOL.
Well, hey, maybe I should enjoy it before over the counter aspirin/codeine tablets get taken off the market here. That's what the government in Denmark does with anything fun...they call it illegal and stop selling it. Or just never start selling it. I've mentioned this before. Like, all those cough syrups, all those great cold and flu medicines in U.S.A. don't even exist here. Not even by prescription. Although they're not illegal, you can't even get poppy seeds or morning glory seeds in the supermarkets. Once, I found a gardening center on the internet here that sells the seeds in bulk but other than that I haven't seen 'em being sold anywhere. I've never even tried it. Caffeine tablets are illegal. Diet pills are illegal. A lot of the health supplements you can get in U.S.A. are illegal here. Other countries can't even get the approval to sell vitamins here. There's not much at all available. What is available is made here and it's wildly expensive. In fact, generally, the selection of items in supermarkets here is quite limited compared to other countries because the government has such strict rules about what gets approved to be sold to the public.
I'm driving myself bonkers daydreaming about how to get my hands on Valium. And/or Xanax. Sigh. Forever a daydream. (Such things do actually exist here but...getting a prescription is pretty well impossible. The doctors here all say everyone and anyone who takes that sort of stuff WILL get addicted. What a bunch of wild total bullsh*t!!! That's just like saying anyone and everyone who drinks WILL become an alcoholic or anyone who smokes a few cigarettes will be addicted. Like, uh, doc, did ya really got to school, do you really have a brain? I know, I know, ya all share the same retarded brain. That's how come you all agree.:P )
So...see, codeine and vodka.......pretty wild stuff, man!:P Better enjoy it while I can.:)




May 25, 2008

Codeine and Vodka Adventure nr.4

:o)
Yes, I'm going to write in increasing detail everything about my first...what, maybe 100 times trying this.;) :P Ha ha...
So, Saturday (yesterday), I tried it again real late afternoon. I was doing housework kind of stuff and getting generally irritated about all the chores that need to get done. It's not exactly fun spending most of the day on that, so......yeah, hmmmm, why not make things more pleasant.:) LOL.
Had some codeine ready in the refrigerator. Extract from 20 pills. Drank that. The effects came after about 15 minutes. From what I've read, codeine is supposed to be relaxing but from what I've experienced, especially this fourth time, I'd call it an upper! Jeez, I was wired, man, like, dude, pretty well sprung I must say. Holy cow! This time not only my hands felt a little jittery, my whole body did. Then...I don't know, a half hour or so after I took it, my blood sugar level kinda...well, crashed. Sh*t!! I knew I'd prob'ly mess things up but I had to...I ate a few spoonfuls of jam, I had some strawberry yogurt, I made some ridiculously chocolatey chocolate milk and I had a sandwich. Felt better but still kinda slightly trembly all over and full of energy. This wasn't the reaction I imagined or anticipated. Then I began with the shots of vodka. Had 7 shots but was so slow about it. Way too slow. I guess in the back of my mind I was thinking it's already screwed up, it doesn't matter, just go slow and see if the vodka even does anything. Prob'ly took 15-20 minutes on that. I felt calmer but...the high was really really disappointing compared to last time, only around half as good. No feeling of euphoria this time either. That's why I stopped at 7 shots. It wasn't getting me anywhere. Figured it best to save it for another time. I could barely feel anything at all from the vodka and the codeine wasn't at all as good as before.
Has my body adapted that fast to codeine? Was it that I didn't gulp and bang those shots down one after the other real fast like I usually do? Was it that I didn't plan this and have an empty stomach and be purposely dehydrated for this? I think a combination of all that. Mostly I think eating really screwed it all up. Of course, I had breakfast, I had a couple sandwiches in the early afternoon, I knew the high wouldn't be as good as last time but then...to eat right in the middle of it. Damn. I know whenever I eat I won't feel the vodka. Even if I drink too much of anything else I won't feel the vodka at all. I got a reminder of that just this week. I drank around a liter and a half of iced coffee. Then I downed 7 shots of vodka, one right straight after the other. (Okay, my usual sip or two of fruit juice inbetween shots.) And...nothing.:S Didn't feel a freakin' thing. That's why I almost always always plan when I'm gonna drink. I have to or it doesn't work. Then I really try not to eat for at least 12 hours before and try not to really drink any fluids. (A glass of something is okay, a few sips here and there but not more.) I'm pretty freakin' positive eating has the same effect on codeine too. Oh yeah, and I make sure to get a good workout in the night before I drink.
Anyway, well, it was still better than nothing and it did make the rest of the afternoon and early evening a little nicer. One effect that didn't change was I still got tired about 2-3 hours after. Stayed awake to have dinner the then slept for a couple of hours. LOL. After I got up, I finished the last of everything I wanted to get done yesterday and did my workout. (Well...most of my workout.;)
I hope the high is better next time. It kinda didn't work this time. Almost not worth it. It should be planned. Eating totally messes it all up.:S




May 23, 2008

Sooo Horny! :P

Last night I was sooo horny! I was sitting in front of my computer and started reading sex stories and confessions, then looked at pictures briefly, videos mostly. I sat in the chair here and masturbated for at least 3 hours. Without even cumming. And when I did, when I couldn't hold back anymore, wOw, total wet squirting sexy splashing explosion all over my stomach!:)

If I had a girlfriend.......oh my God, I'd totally so f***in' wear that lil pussy out!!!!:P :D And when she's too sore to f***, well, she'll just have to stay naked and let me cum all over her. I really believe I can give a girl a cum bath all by myself.:D I'm sooooo horny. I just want to be naked and in orgasmic ecstasy all the time.:P

I just masturbated again for over an hour. Some days I spend several hours masturbating.:) Some days I have so many orgasms I've lost count.:D

Sigh.

I cannot even begin to describe how bad and how much I need to be fucked and all the things I'm willing to do and try.

Sigh.

I'm sooo horny!!




May 22, 2008

My Third Adventure With Codeine

I know, I know, like...am I gonna write about anything else this year besides vodka and codeine? LOL.

Today was my third time taking codeine after doing the cold water extraction thing on some over the counter pills. I stuck to my plan this time of trying only 20 tablets. And, like I mentioned before, each tablet has 9.6 mg codeine and they say you can get 90-95% extracted from over the counter aspirin with codeine pills.

Now I think I really have the technique down. The first couple of times I rushed the filtering process. I'm embarrassed to say I did dumb things like...holding the filter up, shaking it a little, gently squeezing the water through. And, well, that's definitely not the way to do it. The final solution was still slightly cloudy, even after settling, and with a very thin layer of white sludge at the bottom. This time I used two coffee filters instead of one and just let it drip through on its own. I did that last night. The final solution was clear like water, the way it's supposed to be! And it wasn't quite as bitter tasting as before.

The first time I tried this codeine thing, it didn't seem to me at all like I could get high off codeine alone. The second time I started drinking vodka before I could find out what codeine alone could do. This time I waited with the vodka for about 45 minutes or so. Today was my third and definitely best experience with codeine I've had. Yeah, you can get high off codeine alone. It was similar to having several shots of vodka (I'd say around seven shots) on an empty stomach but...without the drowsiness. In fact, my hands were just slightly jittery. I was a bit buzzed and spaced out yet still quite alert. There was something else different with this too. I didn't even know what to call it at first because alcohol doesn't really have that effect. After a few minutes I realized the word is euphoria! A sense of well-being. It was pleasant.:) I was feeling...pretty pleased with myself.:D

I actually debated whether or not I really wanted to drink vodka too. I decided the codeine was kinda different and nice but...like vodka alone, just not strong enough. So, I started with 5 shots of vodka. Aha, then a bit of drowsiness set in. The faint jittery feeling in my hands disappeared. Also...the high was stronger, more dreamy, heading in the right direction.;) So, I had 3 more shots of vodka. Then 2 more. It was tempting to down several more. I was feeling pretty good!! But...I know if you try too hard to chase the high, you'll only get sick.:S I thought I'd better leave it at 10 shots and see how things go. Well...things went pretty freakin' nice!:) LOL. I was feeling a bit euphoric, yet calm, very pleased and comfortable with myself, quite relaxed. I left to go shopping. While I was out, several times I smiled to myself and thought "just enjoy the ride". :o)

Came home an hour and a half or so later. The high was even stronger. Also the drowsiness. I slept for 2 hours, woke up, the buzz was pretty much gone but, hey, I didn't feel the need to sleep anymore and there was no stomach ache like last time, no nausea, no bad side effects other than a dry mouth and feeling kinda lazy. (Okay, I admit I was scared of getting a stomach ache like last time so with the vodka and codeine, I also drank a glass of water with a few drops of peppermint oil and a glass of water with some fizzy powder stuff for indigestion. I also use more water for the extraction process than they say to use. And to make sure I wouldn't get dehydrated, which could lead to a stomach ache as well, I also had a cup and a half of fruit juice, a cup of iced coffee awhile before anything and half a glass of Diet Coke at the end.:)

I'm thinking now that the bad side effects I had last time were from too much aspirin because I didn't filter it right. It's important not only to take the time to let it cool down gradually but not to rush the filtering either. Jeez, I was so anxious to try it that I drank it still slightly cloudy. LOL. How embarrassing. Well, I'll never do that again.

Anyway, as things are lookin' now...I really like codeine with vodka.:)




May 21, 2008

Codeine

I'm aware my blog this year isn't as funny or as entertaining as previous years. What can I say. Sorry. More details on that another time. That being said...

For the last year or more I usually took 2 or 3 tablets of some combo aspirin/codeine/magnesium tablets before drinking. Some sources say it helps you feel the effects of alcohol stronger and/or longer. I've heard of people taking a lot more of those pills but...I've also read plenty about taking too much aspirin. From what I've read, an overdose of aspirin would not be any kind of fun at all. So, I don't think I ever took more than 4 or 5 of those pills. I used to occasionally daydream and wonder if there was a way to get the codeine out. That's the stuff I really want! And, well, not so long ago I was just surfing around on the net reading about codeine. I saw mention of a cold water extraction technique but didn't check it out right away. I figured it would just be another one of those things that was too difficult for me to understand like...how to make my own moonshine. I'd like to do that but from what I've read it seems too complicated. I'd need someone to help me out and show me. I'd like to make my own ecstasy tablets but...again, seems too complicated and I doubt the ingredients are easy to get ahold of.
Then about a week ago I decided to really check that out, if it was possible to separate the aspirin and codeine. Guess what? Hee hee. It is! It's easy too. Oh my God, finally!! Finally something I can understand and play with.:) (Just Google something like "codeine extraction from aspirin" if you don't know about this and want to find out more.;)
So, I've tried it twice now. The over the counter pills I can get here have 9.6 mg codeine per tablet. I used 10 tablets the first time. I've read you can get 90-95% of the codeine by extracting it with water and a filter. Then you drink it. I read the effects should happen within 7-15 minutes. Yeah, around 10 or 15 minutes after I tried it the first time, I felt it. Very mild. I'd say the same for me as having 3 or 4 shots of vodka on an empty stomach. A slight buzz, just enough to notice something but that's it. I then tried the extraction process on another 5 tablets and drank that. But I was making dinner too and that was almost done. I had spaghetti that night. Eating took the buzz away. So, I figured next time I need to take it on an empty stomach and with vodka. Yesterday was that day.
I did the extraction thing the day before on 20 tablets. It was just sittin' in the refrigerator waiting. I had to be somewhere on time though and had to go soon. I couldn't hang around just to see what effect the codeine alone would have. I drank the codeine stuff, then 10 shots of vodka. I left not long after. I felt actually more alert than usual but at the same time slightly more spaced out.:)
I came home an hour and a half later. I don't remember what I was thinking. I just wanted to get high if at all possible and vodka never gets me where I want to be but now...now I have this new thing to try. So, I crushed up 20 more tablets and went through the extraction process quickly. I drank that, had a couple more shots of vodka and left again. Where? Ha ha, to the pharmacy to get more tablets.:P No, I didn't use any more. Yet. Relax.:) Then I came home again and slept on the couch through late afternoon. I woke up but was still kinda tired. I was up briefly, went to bed and slept a couple more hours.
I woke up and...something was off about my hearing. It was too quiet. I felt like I had ear plugs in my ears. I checked. No ear plugs. I snapped my fingers by each ear. Yeah, I could still hear but......it didn't sound quite right. I sat up. I felt like my head was stuffed with cotton candy. I got up and wandered around a bit. I couldn't really hear myself walking. It was like if there was a sound equalizer in my head, the treble was turned off. Sounds weren't crisp and clear anymore. Everything was bizarrely quiet. Far away sounds didn't seem to exist anymore. It was pretty weird. I kinda liked it though. (Possibly a side effect of too much aspirin. I had done the extraction carefully on the first 20 tablets, maybe not so much on the second batch.) The thing I didn't like was the stomach ache I had. And nausea. I was worried at some points here and there I'd need to vomit. That bag of barbeque potato chips I ate in the early afternoon was seeming like a colossal mistake. Like, oh my God, why didn't I stick with my original plan and get just a candy bar?! A whole big bag of chips??! Totally gross!!:S Any food seemed totally gross. I had a dry mouth too, which I've read is a side effect of codeine. I knew I'd be dehydrated and drinking something didn't seem too totally gross. I drank 2 liters of my iced coffee.:) Later that evening I had a sandwich for dinner. I think it made my stomach ache worse.
I was going to workout last night. I started doing my warm up anyway and it took forever to get anywhere with that. Finally, I decided I was a little too tired. The biggest problem though was the stomach ache I had. Oh my God, it was...bad.:S I took a shower, watched TV for an hour and a half and went back to bed.
Woke up this morning and felt fine. My hearing is normal and no more stomach ache. Yay!:D
I think that's the last time I'll ever try 40 pills again. Too many, I guess. Plus I read some stuff today saying if you're gonna take codeine, to get the best high, you have to get it all down fast and something about it doesn't do any good to take more a half hour later, for example. I also read today where some guy was saying he took 30 mg of codeine and had a few drinks and got totally freakin' messed up. LOL. He said it was alright for a few hours and then it was horrible. LOL. Especially the stomach ache. LOL. Oh well...some people don't react well to some things. I've read it's best to start low and go higher instead of taking a high dose of something you don't even know how your body will react to.
I figure, even if I'm not doing the extraction thing perfectly yet, I must've for sure had over 300 mg of codeine yesterday. (Possibly around 350 mg.) 40 pills was too much, I think. LOL. I'll try and stick with 20 next time. And I don't think I'll ever go over 30 again.
Now.......if I could just finally get some weed.:D Mmmm, and Valium!!! Xanax.:) Vicodin. (Those pills are easy to get in U.S.A. but not where I live.:S ) I'd even do the big H. Wouldn't that be, like, the best way to die...just sort of coast out of this world in a joyous foggy relaxing beautiful overdose of heroin...? Well..........I mean, I haven't had sex in a zillion centuries, so...yeah, basically pretty much all I wanna do is get reallllllly high and drop dead. Well, pass out.
Anyway...um, like, well, have a good day or night or whatever it is.:)




May 11, 2008

The Movie I Watched Last Night

First, I watched the latest episode of Lost. Then I picked a movie to watch. I always have a few movies on my computer downloaded and try to always have a few ready on disc. I picked Elizabethtown. Actually, I had downloaded this one months ago. I wasn't sure I would like it. The only reason I wanted to see it is 'cause Kirsten Dunst is in it. And, well, I figured I'd finally watch it just to get it out of the way and erase it.

The movie surprised me. It was actually good!:D Some stuff the male character was going through I can really relate to. (Although in my case, it's much more serious. More on that another time but keep reading and you'll get the general idea.) That was funny to watch. And I've seen plenty of unflattering paparazzi photos of Kirsten but, wOw, when she's on screen...she looks so beyond amazing and she totally rOcKs at what she does!!!! Anyway, well, halfway through the movie I got all depressed and restless at the same time wondering why can't I meet a girl like that. Some movies do that to me. It was gettin' on to 3am but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep with all that...stuff in my head. I mean, God, reality sUcKs. Thinking sucks! Life sucks. Vodka time!!;) Perfect. I had an empty stomach. It'd work.:) But I didn't wanna go too crazy with shots 'cause I knew all I'd do is go to sleep after the movie. Seems like a waste when I have a lot to do next week and I should save the three and half bottles I have 'til then.

I tried 4 quick shots. Watched a couple more minutes. Um, helpful but not enough. So, I paused the movie, went back in the kitchen and had 3 more shots. That seemed to be just enough. I enjoyed the rest of the movie, even laughed out loud a few times. Then went to bed.

I woke up this morning thinking about it again. That girl in the movie. I just wanted to wake up with her, lie in her arms and have her never let me go. (Okay, I also had some more, uh, you know, ummm, hot naked get down and dirty sweaty wet physical thoughts, but.....I won't get into the details.;) Oh my God, I need that. A woman's touch. To feel her beautiful smooth sweet skin against mine, touch her soft shiny hair, look into her pretty eyes...have someone to goof around with and laugh with. It's been way too long. WAY too long.






May 9, 2008

Vodka Shots

How and why did I go this long only using one shot glass? I don't know. Anyway, it's a fancy shot glass but I was tired of it and wanted a new one. So, around a week ago when I got a new blender, I looked at shot glasses. I saw something I liked well enough but it comes in a set of 6. My first thought was, like, "but I only need one." I looked at the price. Oh! Okay.:) Only, like, 4 dollars.
So, I've tried them out a couple times now. And, like, why didn't I do this long ago?! Holy cow, man, it's so cool!!:D Just set 'em up in a row, fill 'em and it's so easy and much more encouraging to drink all those shots down one after the other. Hee hee. Hell, yeah! Like, you know, one or two shots every five minutes or whatever doesn't really do it. I've been forgetting speed counts, not just having an empty stomach. You need to get those shots down as fast as possible. And lots of 'em!!!;) :) (Some sources say non-prescription aspirin with codeine tablets help you get more wasted, so I take that about a half hour before I start drinking.)
Okay, first, these new shot glasses are a little bigger than the one I was using. Used to be 12 shots was half a bottle. Now 10 shots is clearly over half a bottle. LOL. So, the last couple of times I did 10 shots within 10 minutes or so and that did the trick.:)
But it's faster than I'm used to, I guess. The first time I did that...I went out, had a meeting (someone said something about I wasn't looking well), did a little shopping, came home, took off my clothes and fell asleep on the bed. When I woke up around an hour and a half later, my ankle was sprained and something burned and had turned all black in the oven.:S
I don't remember doing anything to sprain my ankle. I think I was so tired I fell asleep with my foot in a bad position. Sh*t! I couldn't walk for about 2 days.
Yesterday I was out shopping. My foot is still all swollen up and bruised but I can walk on it. I don't know yet at all when I'll be able to get back to running again. And, yeah, so, I did my shots before I left. 11 or 12 shots. I don't remember. Then I came home, had a few more shots and left again. I don't remember how many. Finished off one bottle and a second one was almost gone.
I don't have a car. So, nothing to worry about with that. In fact, I've never ever driven a car after drinking. I live in a small town now and I get around by bike. Anyway, about...oh, 7 maybe 8 minutes after I left I fell down. I don't remember exactly how or why. It was something to do with a turn and/or braking. And I fell on my ass and banged up my other ankle. F***ing sh*t! My ankle was bleeding and one hand but I didn't even notice then. Just got back on my bike and went shopping. My favorite bracelet got a little scraped too.:( I ordered another one today. Luckily, it's not that expensive.
Last night I was thinking if there was a caricature or cartoon of me...it'd be me falling on my ass or passed out somewhere. LOL.
Have I learned my lesson? Um, well...gee, ummm, got a couple more bottles of vodka yesterday. Does that answer the question. LOL. I'll just have to remember to be more careful! It was just a bad week. Usually nothing like that happens. Another time or two trying out my new shot glasses and it won't be such a big deal anymore.;) I'm used to drinking, it's just I've never done shots quite so fast before.
Today I was thinking if there was a caricature or cartoon of me...it'd be me naked and masturbating constantly. LOL. After a day of being too out of it to masturbate...I sure have plenty of orgasms the day after!




April 26, 2008

Gilmore Girls Got Cancelled. :S :(

I know, I know, this is news from a year ago but I just found out today. Gilmore Girls got cancelled. I live in Denmark now and the American programs that get shown here are always behind. (It's only recently I've discovered how to download TV shows and see them the same week they get aired in U.S.A.) I miss that show!

It's been months since I saw the last episode. I almost wrote something in my blog about it because it was such an emotional episode. It was so touching how everyone cares so much about Lorelai. I cried. Also because I realized how much I really truly care about her too. I thought it was just a season ending episode. I had no idea it was actually the last one! I've been waiting patiently for the next season to start. And I'm tired of waiting so I finally got around to checking on the net when the next season would start here and...I find out it's gone, the show got officially cancelled a year ago! Holy sh*t!!:(

First, I was just plain shocked. Then...well, there were some tears.:( I admit, I cried. Briefly. More than once today.:( I don't want to believe it. I really with all my heart LOVE that show!!!! Don't go. Please, please don't go. F***. :S

All my fav shows are disappearing too fast. It's too much lately. It was only late last year I found out The Sopranos is gone. Then very recently I found out The L Word is only going for one more season and Lost is only going 2 more seasons. Gilmore Girls is already long gone!:(

Lorelai Gilmore is one of the very most wonderful, funny, amazing and sexiest characters ever on TV! And I am completely sure no one could possibly make that part so fresh and alive and unique and interesting as Lauren Graham did. I totally lOvEd and looked forward to her performance on that show so so much! Lauren totally rOcKeD that show and made it something magic. It was definitely one of the very very best things that will ever be on television!! I feel like one of my best closest friends just died. Not that I have a best friend right now or ever had one that died but...I think this is what it feels like.:(

It's gonna take me some time to...readjust, try and get over the shock, somehow learn to accept it. I like to write but I don't even know where to begin to praise the writers and especially Lauren for her work on that show. It's beyond words how well that show was written and what Lauren did with that part. I couldn't possibly say enough how much it all meant to me.

I will always remember. Always! And I am going to miss it forever and ever.:(




April 16, 2008

The Neighbor War Goes On and...Life Sucks. :S

This whole neighbor problem I've written about keeps going on and on. I'm nOt in a good mood most of the time. (I'm worried my face will freeze in a permanent frown.) More stuff has happened. And I was about to crack and do something major. It's been better just the last few days though. I can think more clearly and rationally. But I'm not expecting it will stay better. I want them to move sooo bad. I want them f***ing gone!!! That would make my life SO MUCH better and more pleasant. The whole building would be SO quiet without them! I hope they plan to move but right now I don't know anything about whether they want to move or not. I've sure done a lot to get them to think in that direction anyway.
This whole thing has got me thinking. Too much. About my life. Am I in the right place? Do I want to move? Is my life here where I live really working out for me? What are the chances I'll meet a girl in this tiny town, anywhere in this tiny country, and ever be happy anyway? Things are pretty bad, I guess, if you wake up every morning only frustrated, irritated and sorry you have to wake up to a new day. Once again!:S And, yeah, I know, pretty ridiculous these new neighbors have the power, stumbled upon the button, to push my psychological state over the edge.
My future in U.S.A. was looking completely bleak and horrible. I moved here. Things were better and continued to get vastly better every single year. And, yes, the years I've lived here in Denmark have definitely been so way WAY better than in U.S.A. but...although I've reached levels of contentment I've never known before...I'm still not happy. And the odds are decreasing rapidly or so it seems. I probably should move to a larger city at least. Maybe another country. Maybe go back to U.S.A. and give that one last shot. Or have I, like, actually totally freakin' lost my mind and forgotten why I left? Forgotten what it's like not to have the money I have now? (I get used to good things real fast.) I must've lost my mind if I'm considering going back to U.S.A. I have to remember I can't go back. Ever. Unless...I could for sure get as much or more money than I get now. (Which isn't all that much but way more than I ever got before coming here.)
Really, I could skip on rent, some other bills, borrow money, sell stuff. I could get enough money to move to another country and make it a month or two (maybe more) without working. You know, one last try at life, at happiness, at finding a place I belong, a place that feels like home.
Anyone ever read my blog?:P Anyone have any ideas? Anyone have a job for me? (Nudity is not a problem.:) Anyone want me to stay with them? Anyone rich want to offer me a home and take care of me?:P :D :) Like, yeah, especially if you live by the beach. LOL. A lake? Ummm...somewhere with a big private lawn at least? Do you have a pool?!:D Oh my God, I've always wanted to live at a big house that has a pool!:) Seriously, I'm clean, I like housework, I cook, I like shopping. You could watch me masturbate every day if you want.:P And/or something more. (Ha ha, yes, I admit it, my dream is to be a housewife.:)
Are these all thoughts that are supposed to just stay in my head? Should I be writing any of this. Hmmmmm. (I try my best not to write anything when I'm down or upset.)
Okay, yeah, well...I'm open to suggestions or offers. Just wanted to let that be known.;) (This doesn't mean I'd go for anyone or anything but...I'm just.......unattached and, yep, open to offers.:)
Any hot actresses need a personal assistant?:) A sex slave...?:P Anyone with a mansion need a live-in housecleaner? I could do it nude if you want!:D
ROFLMAO. Yeah, right, like this is ever gonna work.:P :D
(But, like...come on, therez got 2 B some1 who thinks I'm sexy enough and funny enough, someone somewhere that wants me...??)




March 22, 2008

Noisy Neighbors...Drop F***ing Dead!!!

I spoke too soon with what I wrote last.
That old fart is back to pissing me off with his f***ing TV again.:/ And I've discovered it's not just him, like I was pretty sure of before, it's his ugly fat gross looking wife too. Things went okay for that one week I talked about last time. I was actually quite hopeful. Then my thoughts moved back to, like, see, you just can't talk to people who are that disrespectful, inconsiderate and rude. The best that'll happen is they'll remember for a few days or a week and then...they don't care anymore.
Time for move number too. And, by the way, I was planning to write about some of this around a week ago but then decided it was too negative and I didn't want to go into it. I don't want to be writing about this. It's not exactly a fun subject. But...this thing keeps going on and on and it's what's on my mind all the time now. I wanted my second move to be immediate, not some plan that would take days to go into effect. So...it was the ol' dump a bucket of pee on their welcome mat. (I've used this one a few times before on some other noisy neighbors I had a few years ago.) Ha ha, and he has a big giant light colored one. Expensive.
About 8pm the next night, I heard a letter coming through the mail slot on my door. I'm thinking, that's strange, it's not gonna be mail. I doubt anyone is passing around some kind of advertising this late. Something to do with the guy downstairs...? I went to see what it was. Yep, it was from downstairs, from my new neighbors who are the people on the planet right now I truly hate and most want to see dead.
It was a copy of the letter he got back from the rental office about his lame bullshit defense and vague complaints about other neighbors. He passed it out to everyone here.
The office wrote to him saying they won't do anything about his complaints because any complaint requires at least 2 signatures from neighbors in 2 different apartments in the same building. Then the case or complaint can get set to go on as some kind of court case. They also wrote the letter/complaint he received was a fake made from an older letter. Dammit! So, he knows. He knew for almost a week before passing out the copy. I was so hopeful because I thought if he was gonna do that, he would've done it sooner.
Did him passing that out have something to do with the pee? Did he know about the pee before he passed that copy out? Is that why he did it? Or did he only maybe see it after that because that's the first time he'd been out the door in a couple days? Or...are these people so old and dumb that they just totally didn't even notice the pee? That's what I was wondering that night.
I was prepared to do something else that night but...it was reasonably quiet the rest of the night. I decided to back off, see how it goes, give them a chance.
And guess what? Here we are at present...six or seven buckets or bottles of piss later (around 8-10 liters), a note to make sure he knows what this is about, a few C.O.D. packages ordered in his name, a couple newspaper subscriptions, a couple magazine subscriptions and...I've now smeared shit (yes, for real, actual poop!) around on his car. Twice!! The second time was last night. (The first time all over half the windows. The second time I made shit paste. Mmm, yummy stuff, man. Ingredients: poop, egg, oil, syrup, glue. I was gonna put oatmeal in it too but forgot. A little of that went on the windows of the car but most of it went on the body. I mean, in a few areas. I only had so much of it for the whole car. And, oh my God, do you have any idea how pissed off someone would have to be to think this up and actually do it? I'm talkin' WAY super duper seriously cRaZy MAD!) Plus I let a lot of air out of 3 of his tires the second time. Guess I was too lazy to do all four. Well, too, I figured he'd try and drive it. I was guessing 3 very low tires plus one full one would make it extra difficult. I was hoping at least one tire was flat enough to make driving impossible but...I was overly nervous about what I was doing, it was dark when I did it and he seemed to be able to drive just fine. Darn. He moved his car down the street after the first time. But I saw it there yesterday. Great...parked in a nice isolated dark area. Easy to get to and do my thing with nobody around. Much less risky than the first time. (I'm not sure where he has his car parked now though. But I'm sure I could find it if I really wanted to.)
And he may even suspect or know that it's me. Something minor on my bike was readjusted the other day. It wasn't loose. It would've taken a tool to do it. Very likely a nod to let me know he knows it's me. He could've slashed my tires or something. I'm not gonna give him that chance again though. So...I'll have to take my bike up and down the stairs and keep it in my apartment from now on. Sigh. I saw him coming out of the bike storage shed today with what I think was an oily rag in his hand. Like, holy sh*t and thank God my bike isn't in there anymore! I wonder what the hell he did in there today.
What will it take for him to get the message??!!! Just keep the f***ing TV down, that's all! He doesn't listen. He doesn't get it. The best that happens is he might remember for a few hours or half a day maybe. But then...he forgets or just doesn't care anymore. How stupid is this guy?! Both of them!! There are two of 'em down there and they don't have the brains or memory or will power to keep the TV down for more than a few hours?
It's getting harder to think of things I could do to mess with him/them yet keep it so the police won't be interested. And I never would've imagined I'd go this far over some old couple. I thought old people were supposed to be quiet and no trouble. I used to hope and pray to get old people in the building. And what happens. This old couple turns out to be the most stupid noisy f***ing awful neighbors I've ever had!!!!
Of course, I question myself. Am I being unreasonable. Is my patience shorter now because of troubles with previous neighbors I've had to deal with. No, I don't think so. Anything other neighbors did...at least it wasn't every single day and every single night. This thing with these old people and their TV is daily! EVERY day! Every night!! Day after day, week after week. That f***ing TV is humming and yapping in my ear hour after hour after hour. I have to sleep with ear plugs and I still hear it sometimes. Sometimes it wakes me up. I have to wear earphones and a hearing protector just to watch something myself on TV without all that distraction from their TV. These people don't work. All they do is stay home and watch TV all day and all night! LOUD!!! Lately, the last 10 days or so, it's been on nonstop around 18-20 hours a day every day!
I don't care how much TV they watch. The point is...I don't want to hear it!!!!!! I can't stand that much f***ing noise every single day. It's some kind of torture that's breaking me. I don't know anything about how much TV the other neighbors watch or what they watch or when they watch it. Only them. I've never had a neighbor problem sooo bad like this before. Only them. That noise is driving me insane. And I feel there is no limit to how far I'd go to get back at them. I'm trying so hard not to lose it and do something that would get the police involved.
When I'm home and it's quiet, I'm in a good mood.:) Possibly happy even.:D But...every day now sucks because I know those f***ing old deaf retards will ruin every day and every night for me. About the only silence is just a few hours in the early morning that I sleep through. I have this sick feeling in my stomach all the time now. I don't sleep well. I worry all the time over how far does this have to go. I can't do this anymore. I just want it to stop.
As this war builds, I still have a slight hope he will understand soon he's not going to win. I won't stop. I won't give up. I'm not going to be the one to back down. If they wanna ruin every day for me, I'll try and ruin every day for them.
Even now...after discovering his car today, shit on it, having to do something about that once again, tires flat, pee poured right on his doorstep and having to do something about piss all over outside his door once again (he seems to have given up the idea of leaving the mat out)...the TV was reasonably quiet for a few hours today. But that's it. That's as long as it ever lasts. Now they turned it up as usual. And I know it's gonna be on all night. It's gonna be going 'til at least 2am, maybe 3 or 4 or even 5am. Then they sleep. Then the TV is back on. The maximum effect anything I do accomplishes is reasonable quietness for a few hours at most. What will it take for this to be over...?:S
Anyone wanna buy me a house?:D :P :) Pleeease...?




March 7, 2008

I Hate Noisy Neighbors!!! :S

I want to live in a house, no, a mansion on my own private beach. Very possibly on my own private island.:)
When I'm home, I love it when it's quiet! The more quiet the better. I want to be away from everything, in my own private world. I like it when the only sounds I hear are the noises I make. Such quiet is pure nirvana.:)
I know words like "hate" and "love" are heavy words and shouldn't be thrown around and used to describe everything and anything. I did take that into consideration and I do feel that strongly about this.
I like the apartment I live in. It's big. I put time into decorating and arranging everything. It's, well, actually the best place I've ever lived 'cause, although it's not a house, all the space here is mine.:) (As long as I pay the rent every month.)
What I don't like...are neighbors separated by only a wall or floor. They make noise...interrupting, breaking the blissful silence and my happy state of mind. I suppose most neighbors aren't bad. And Danish people, on average, are more polite and much more considerate than Americans. But...in a building like this, six apartments here, what are the chances all the neighbors are going to be quiet. There's always always at least that one...that pisses me off incredibly much. Loud music and parties, that's the worst. Nothing like that to totally ruin my night, stress me out and get me upset.
I was entirely convinced the worst that could happen when someone moves out is...some dumb ass young couple will move in to their first apartment here thinking now they can finally let loose and do everything their parents hated or wouldn't let them do. Now they figure they can have all the parties they want and blast music day and night. And, yeah, I've been through neighbors like that. So, back in December, when I saw an older couple was moving into the apartment under me, I was relieved. I was happy and completely confident they would be no problem. That lasted only a number of days.
No, I've never known old people to have lots of parties or play loud music. But...they are home all the time. And they like TV. And their hearing may not be so good. I hadn't thought of that.
First, the smaller annoyances. Doors opening and shutting loudly all the time. I'm assuming this is because old people like using the heat. They keep the doors shut everywhere to keep the heat in. But everytime they go to the bathroom or any different room, it requires opening and shutting doors a number of times. Ugh.:S Then...old dude pees quite loudly. It's like...I hear it every f***in' time. In the morning, at night, in the middle of the night. I'm sick of it. I really have absolutely no interest at all in knowing every time my neighbor pees! Other male neighbors I've had...yeah, I hear them sometimes, once in awhile, but not every time like this old guy. And, as for me, I never pee directly in the water. I can hear other guys peeing and...I like my privacy and do not want my neighbors knowing when I pee. That's...you know, a private thing. LOL.
The major problem is...old dude downstairs is crazy bananas about his TV. He watches it every single day and every single night. And he likes it LOUD! The first bunch of times he turned on the TV...my eyes sprang open wide, my jaw dropped and I'm thinking, "Are you kidding me?!!"
Sometimes, okay, he'd only watch it a couple of hours but normally he can watch 5, 10, even 15 hours a day. And I had to listen to it too. Every single day and every single night. LOUD! Like, party level loud. And I know it's him and not his wife because on those rare occasions I see him go out, I don't hear the TV. When he comes back, usually after only an hour or two, the TV is back on again.
In the evenings, I couldn't enjoy watching anything 'cause his TV is so LOUD! Some nights I don't watch anything. And if I did, I used earphones and a hearing protector. Generally, I workout in the evenings and I'd just wait 'til 1 or 2am, after he goes to bed, so then I can finally have some quiet and watch a show or something. Although, sometimes that got ruined 'cause...he doesn't sleep well. He prob'ly drinks coffee while he watches TV all night. I hear doors opening and shutting several times during the night. He pees. Then sometimes he'll go watch TV for awhile.:/
I'm patient. I kept trying to think positive. Like...it's Christmas vacation. So, he's home everyday and watches TV. After vacation, he'll go to work and everything will be fine. Then...it was, well, give him a little more time to settle in and figure out a routine and...then everything will be fine. But...it wasn't fine. Some days here and there weren't too bad but mostly, overall, the situation was just not improving at all. I was stressed out daily over it. It got to the point I was planning all kinds of evil things to get back at him and bring stress into his life. (Things I've done to get back at previous neighbors. And go even further this time.) I was having frequent violent thoughts about what I'd like to do to him and his f***ing TV!! I wished I knew a gang to go kick the crap outta him and tell him to knock it off. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I made my first move.
With my printer/copier and a bit of cut and paste work, I wrote a letter that looked like it came from the rental office. Had their color logo, business hours, address and a signature and all. It looked very real.:) I wanted it to be quite serious, a warning to shake him up a bit, make him listen for sure and behave. I wrote that there had been a lot of complaints from several neighbors over the last 2 months. I wrote that he was getting an official warning that if the complaints continue, they would have no choice but to submit the paperwork into the system where, in the end, any renter that disturbs others too much can be evicted. However, they were hoping a reminder that other people live in the building would be enough to solve the problem.
I wasn't sure if this would work. I wasn't counting on it. I had other plans in place. I figured when the other shit started raining down, he'd figure out what it was about and maybe then get the hint.
Well, he got the letter last Saturday. That was the quietest day since he moved in. It was beautiful!:) I was so happy.
The next morning I found a letter by my door. It was a copy of the letter I sent plus a copy of his response. It seems he got a little more freaked than I ever imagined he would be. Because he gave this copy of the letter I wrote and his response to all the neighbors in the building and says he sent it to the rental office as well. Like...oh sh*t!!! LOL.
Like, goddammit, he was supposed to just read my letter and behave, not send letters to everyone with some lame ass defense. Jeeeez. So, then I was worrying a lot that the rental office will tell him they don't know what he's talking about and never sent a letter. Then they might ask to see it and tell him it's a fake. Then...he'll just go back to blasting his TV again.
About now, you may wonder why I didn't actually make a complaint to the rental office. Like I said, I've had problems with neighbors before. I did try that a couple of years ago over some neighbors I truly f***ing hated with all my heart. Worst neighbors ever!!! I wrote up a 3 page complaint. They wouldn't take it. They didn't even want to look at it. I was told absolutely nothing whatsoever would happen about any complaint unless several neighbors got together and all signed and filed a group complaint.
You may wonder why I didn't just go talk to the guy downstairs. Well, in my experience, neighbors who are that desrespectful and noisy and so selfishly into themselves just do not listen.
In the guy's response to the warning letter he received, he says he has corrected the problem but he goes on about his right to having a life and why is there 24 hour cable TV if not to watch it. He claims he works in transportation all day and makes it sound like he works a lot of overtime and all he needs to watch is the weather forecast because it has to do with his job. LOL. Total bullshit! For instance, I know he hardly works at all!! He's pretty much home all the time. And his wife goes out even less. And as for making it sound like all he does is switch on the weather forecast for a few minutes...LOL. That's about the wildest bullshit I ever heard. Sometimes that TV has been on pretty much 18 hours straight, man.
Then he goes on mentioning a few complaints he'd like to make about some of the other neighbors. He says he's been overlooking things other neighbors do and can't get sleep because of it but from now on he'll report it. LOL. He doesn't write any names or apartment numbers though. LOL. I've been to the rental office. I know how much they care about complaints. I came in once with a long signed complaint complete with full names and the apartment number. The office didn't give a shit. I know there's no way they're gonna look into whatever he mentioned. (Of course, you'll never find a neighbor who says I make too much noise. I'm always, by far, the quietest neighbor.) Like, oh my God, everything he wrote was basically some drunken nonsense rambling.
Anyway, well, it's almost been a week now. The old guy downstairs has been so much quieter with his TV. Even the stuff with the doors hasn't been quite as bad lately. I'm not stressed out about it much anymore. I don't think he found out the letter I sent was fake. And if he hasn't found out by now, I guess he never will. Hee hee hee. :P I think either the rental office didn't give a hoot about what he wrote and just didn't bother with any response and/or...if someone there saw a copy of my warning letter, whoever saw it hopefully assumed it was real. And, well, if he did find out it was a fake, I guess he figures if someone went to that much effort, they must have a valid point.
It seems my plan, my first move, worked. I really really rEaLLy hope it has a lasting effect! The last 2-3 days, I've been noticing 5-20 minute intervals of forgetfulness, possibly increasing slip-ups here and there which I sincerely hope and pray won't keep getting worse and worse. All in all, for now at least, for this week, I'm quite pleased and satisfied.:D Not only that, but the message got around to everyone in the building to keep it down. Hee hee. And nobody knows what I did. Shhhhh. ;)
But...I know it won't last forever. Either old dude downstairs will gradually forget about the warning and/or at some point someone will move and new noise makers will move in. So...I still desperately want and dream of my own mansion on the beach. Or at least my own house somewhere someday. Sigh...





February 12, 2008

The Incredible Hulk...Is Green! :P

I was laying on the floor last night doing some sit-ups, back exercises, stretching my legs, getting ready for my run. And somehow, lying there always gets me in a sort of meditative state. Actually, I spend more time just kinda lying on the floor meditating than actually doing anything. My thoughts just go wild. I think of everything and anything. I often think up some quite silly things.
Anyway, so I was lying there and, like, suddenly it occurs to me that The Incredible Hulk is green!!!:P :D I was cracking up, man!:P He's green! LOL. How does that happen? When have you ever read or heard anything anywhere about someone turning green?!
Okay, the getting big and stretching and popping and ripping his clothes, I get that. But...green??! Pink might be more believable or red or splotchy blue black brown or orange even but...green???!! Like, Popeye The Sailor...hey, it would make more sense if he turned green maybe from eating all that spinach. But whoever heard of someone getting pissed off and turning green?
In the TV series...I mean, didn't people laugh watching some big green dude walking around?:P Hee hee hee. And then when I saw the movie from 2003, I don't remember even once questioning that he turns green. I just accepted it, like that was the way it was supposed to be. And...you know, like, didn't at least someone on the production crew laugh over making that whole big expensive movie about someone who gets upset, turns green and breaks stuff. LOL.
He turns green!:P

That totally f***ing cracked me up yesterday.:D




February 9, 2008

In The News Today: Denmark Is Grammatically Underdeveloped

"Danish people know by now so little about grammar, pronounciation and sentence structure that we have difficulty understanding each other.
The problem is the result of Danish grammar being given a low priority in school for decades. Another central problem is that many of TV's front figures, that today are our most important language role models, themselves are poor examples of language use," says Peder Skyum-Nielsen, professor at Syddansk University.
"Danish people's grammatic backbone is degenerating."

-------------------------

Ha ha ha. How true it is!:P

I'm so glad someone admits it. I'm usually wondering if Danish people even notice what's going on.
One thing I've found kinda shocking about Denmark is the number of grammatic mistakes that one comes across in magazines, newspapers and even letters from government offices. Never mind notes and e-mails Danish people write to each other and how they talk.
This is something different and unique about Danish culture. Things that are given very high priority in school and business are social skills and functions, time to relax and a comfortable atmosphere. And, well, although Danish people do come up at or near the very top of the list of countries with the most satisfied and happy citizens, the general level of professionalism, especially in the media, is not as high as in many other countries. (Second link here about the World Map Of Happiness.)

As for my opinion, I believe grammar should definitely have high priority for so many obvious reasons. Like, language is how people communicate and one needs to know it to use it. And how is that gonna look if you've lived your life in a particular country and can't even write or speak the language properly. How does that reflect on the country if no one could communicate anymore without grammatic mistakes. Most Danish people I've met are not grammatically accurate in writing or speaking. I've had people tell me my Danish writing ability is better than most Danish people. And I sure don't know all the grammatic rules.
Ha ha, so...maybe a century or two from now no one even knows enough of the country's language to understand each other anymore.
But the important thing is everyone had a nice chair and great table to sit at in school, the room was decorated with such elaborate consideration and everyone had plenty of time to socialize. Yeah, in cave man talk or something...:)...

(By the way, the Danish alphabet is actually the same as in English except...there are three more letters after "z". And they are "æ", "ø" and "å".:)




January 27, 2008

My Favorite Actresses

The beginning of an annual list perhaps.:)
This list is, well, almost exactly the same as last year. One new name in that I had forgotten. And the order is a little different. Although, like I said before, it's much too difficult to decide on the exact order (and I may be back during the year to rearrange them slightly.;) There are lOts more actresses I like but I'm really trying to keep this list short. So, yep...uh huh, here B my fav actresses...(and holy good God, these are some waaay hOt sexy babes!:)...

Michelle Trachtenberg (why her first? Hee hee...look at her. Oh my GOd!!!:), Evangeline Lilly (pure total out of this world sexiness and ability that truly blows me away), Kirsten Dunst (always brilliantly freakin' amazing!!!!), Kate Beckinsale (she can do absolutely anything to total sexy perfection and if she's not at least in your top 10...I'm sorry to have to tell you your brain just isn't functioning right!), Mia Kirshner (total way awesome cute sexy lil thing that gives every performance everything she's got and always makes any character sooo seriously sexy:), Jennifer Garner, Mischa Barton, Jessica Biel, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Connelly, Scarlett Johansson, Alison Lohman, Sandra Bullock, Natalie Portman, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jessica Alba, Lauren Graham, Sarah Wayne Callies, Taylor Cole, Brittany Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Willa Holland, Amanda Bynes, Halle Berry, Vanessa Marcil.

And, same as last year, I'm not at all so interested in the guys as I am in the girls, but it seems fair I list my favorite actors as well. So, if I had to make a list, here it is, same names as last year. My favorite actors...

Nicolas Cage, Kevin Spacey, Denzel Washington, Wentworth Miller, Bill Murray, Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, Wesley Snipes, Matthew Fox, Jim Carrey, Keanu Reeves, Billy Bob Thornton.




January 24, 2008

Music Video: "Live With Me"

The following video is based on my life.:P LOL. Kidding.:)
I've had this song and this video on my mind lately.
One late night, about a couple of years ago, I was watching TV and channel surfing and saw this video on MTV. First, the song is incredible. It's so extremely rare MTV plays any good new music anymore. Whether that's their choice or it has to do with music sales and the videos that are available, I'm not sure. Of course, most music videos are stupid pop songs and I'm not much into pop. I'd so f***ing love it if some real music, like this one, outside of ridiculously simplistic pop would be made into videos and played. So, just to hear this song on MTV was a wonderful surprise. The first time I heard it was that night on MTV and I loved it right away.:)
Then, there's the video itself. This video is so way above and beyond most music videos. This is a whole mini-movie drama, a whole story that is so real and haunting. Beautifully done! Great video!! One of the very best music videos ever!!!:D
I guess most would look at this video and think it sad or disturbing even. The first time I saw it, for me, it was just like watching a movie. I was totally fascinated and drawn in and involved in the story. I didn't have any particular feelings about what was going on other than just being absolutely amazed how well done this video is. Very impressive. Quite entertaining. A wonderful piece of art. And I think it's something everyone can relate to in some way.
The next couple of times I happened to catch this video, I was, like, hell yeah!:) I wanna get down like that!!:D Mmmm, yeah, get my groove on!!:P It would take some practice to really get that hardcore though. And it's too boring drinking at home alone. I usually drink at work.:P Or at least go shopping.:)
I could go on about drinking but it's a controversial subject and really all I planned to do was put the video up and write a little about how much I like the video, not discuss the theme in detail.
My reaction to the subject is mild. I believe the major point is not drinking itself but how a person behaves if or when they drink. I like to drink sometimes but I've never done anything crazy or outrageous, I've never hurt anybody either physically or verbally, I never bothered anybody. No amount keeps me from being able to walk straight or not be in control of what I'm doing. I could drink a bottle of vodka at work and no one would know. (Not that I have had quite that much at a work place. Purely out of financial consideration though. Gotta at least try and make a bottle last more than a day;) I haven't been hungover or sick from alcohol in years. If U don't believe me, buy a couple bottles of vodka and drink with me!:D Free vodka, yay!! Hell yeah, I'll be gulping that down!:P (Not like the girl in the video. I'd prob'ly barf. At least gag. LOL. But I can sure do lOts of shots!!!:D )
Anyway, as to my opinion on whether the girl is doing something wrong or what...I very rarely judge other people's lifestyles. She's not bothering anybody. She's just doin' her thing. Whether she's lonely, hates her job, just broke up with someone, just wants to escape, is addicted, wants to die, all of that or whatever...I think anyone can relate and everyone will have an opinion. I think she's cool.:)
The video enhances the song, gives it new depth and meaning and makes me like it even more. I totally lOvE this video!!!!:D This is easily my choice for best song ever by Massive Attack. And my choice for best music video of 2006!









The main pages for this website can be found at the top left side of the screen written in blue. If you click on the main page titles, some of them expand and will list more pages.
To make this really easy, I'll list all the pages here at the bottom also, with links, and you can click on them from here if you like.:)

Julian's Blog: 2007

Julian's Blog: 2006

Julian's Blog: 2005

My Sex Fantasy Blog

My Profile Page

My First Webcam Videos

My Camcorder Videos: page 1

My Camcorder Videos: page 2

My Camcorder Videos: page 3

My Camcorder Videos: page 4

My Pictures

Pictures From My First Webcam Videos

Pictures From My Camcorder Videos: page 1

Pictures From My Camcorder Videos: page 2

The Blue Pictures

Bedtime Stories For Lovers